I've Got a Singular Impression

My recent interaction with a now-incarcerated child pornographer

2011-08-21T23:34:00.000-07:00

Background:
During my senior year of high school, I was part of a singing group comprised of about 15 high school-aged kids. The director was a man, who, in an effort to avoid any undue exposure, I will call Peter Jacobsen. Peter was one of the gentlest and kindest men I have ever met. While he was at times a bit eccentric, his central aim was to help us experience the great power of music and let us “touch the Divine through [that art],” as he frequently put it. While I worked with Peter, I could always sense a bit of sadness within him. I always assumed it was simply a lack of the gospel in his life, for as I understood life at that time, the gospel was what made people happy and if they weren't happy, it was because they didn't have the gospel (when I say “the gospel,” I refer to the gospel taught in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I now understand that sadness was directly related and caused by his terrible addiction to pornography and the incredible shame he must have felt because of it.

Peter and I have kept in contact throughout the years and he seemed to be enjoying life fine until January of 2009, when every time I spoke with him, he would report that things we really going terribly for him, but he would never explain beyond that. In April of this year, I received an email from a friend of his, informing me, along with many others of Peter's friends, that Peter had been arrested in 2009 on accounts of possessing more than 100 pieces of child pornography. His friend was asking us to each provide a letter of reference for Peter. You might imagine my reaction to receiving such notification. It was one of the most revolting and saddening bits of news I had heard … in my life. I wrote the letter of reference, recounting my experiences with Peter in his singing group.

Peter's experiences started at the age of seven, when he was raped repeatedly by an older child in his choir. They continued when he was a teen-ager, by his choir director. Early in his adolescence, a neighbor girl invited him over to her house, where she showed him pornographic magazines. So started his addiction to pornography. In 1993, he read an article on one of the pornographic sites he was viewing about child pornography and found himself strangely aroused. He said in a therapy session that it scared him and he fled from the situation. He enrolled in sex addict therapy a few times, but never to any avail. In 1997, he started viewing child pornography and continued until 2009, when it was discovered on his work computer. The rest is history. However, he never touched anyone or molested them in any way. Peter was always a very honest man and he swears to the fact that he never did touch anyone. In fact, now that I think about it, he even took a polygraph to prove it.

A couple months after Peter's friend had contacted me, Peter contacted me personally and asked me to be a character witness at his trial. I decided to go and tell my honest experiences with him, to see if I could somehow lessen his sentence from life to something where he could get his life back in order and perhaps even experience real joy in this mortal probation (I do not claim infallibility on the decision to go; who knows if it was an intelligent use of my time and money?) So I went on Thursday of this week. As I arrived at Peter's house Thursday night, I could feel the darkness that had enveloped the house and the ensuing sadness that was there as a result of the decisions Peter had made and the effects they had had on his family.

Peter ended up being sentenced 25 years in prison, with a 16 year suspension, with the chance of being let out early on good behavior, in addition to indefinite parole. Basically, that means he'll be in for nine years, with the possibility of eight if he behaves himself and demonstrates he is fit to be in society again. Below is a letter I wrote to my friends in the singing group Peter directed. I sent it after I sent the recap of the trial.

Hello again to all of you,

I am now flying back home to Utah from Peter's trial and I've been journaling here on my iPod about yesterday's events. Actually, these thoughts started yesterday as we were waiting for the trial and I just wanted to get them down so I could organize them a bit more and understand what was going through my head a bit better. Anyway, as I was sitting here writing, a thought occurred to me: at breakfast yesterday, Peter said he wanted to tell people his story so they could avoid the kinds of experiences he has had. Well, Peter can't very well tell his story right now, since he is behind bars, so I feel like it, in part, falls to me to do so, and once you have heard it, I feel it will fall to you as well. Below are my thoughts. The first bit is about transgression in general and the nature thereof, while the second is about deviant sexual behavior. Much of it is in "braindump" mode and thus has little organization. I've edited a little afterward so it makes more sense to you. Since I have written literally all if this on my iPod, it is very probable there are multiple typos and even wrong words (blast you, auto correct). Please forgive my human frailties (a.ka. Bad thumbs on my iPod).

As I sit here waiting to testify at Peter's trial, we are listening to other people's hearings. It is absolutely incredible to see how people's lives are being completely ruined and almost ended by their actions. Talking with Peter today at breakfast, he told me that he's felt like a failure his entire life because of his addiction to porn. Similar to his addiction to porn and that bad behavior, the other people are also addicted to their bad behaviors. As they have made bad choices, they have surrendered their agency to Satan and to the consequences of their actions. Although they are always free to stop their bad behavior, they do not see that option and thus feel they cannot make the choice. Perhaps it is that when we make bad choices our ability to see the way out with our spiritual eyes is limited.

2 Nephi 2:27: Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

So, is our captivity inflicted by God, Satan or is that a consequence inflicted by the eternal laws that govern everything in the universe? Independent of who inflicts that captivity, we are limited to live in the consequences of our actions instead of being free to choose how we live. Perhaps in that scripture, the captivity to which he is referring is not hell itself, after this life, but instead the damming effects of sin and the captivity in which we find ourselves when we choose that path (sin).

And it's interesting, because we all find ourselves in captivity to a certain extent, since we are all human and have sinned. I suppose the greater the law that is violated (and the more severe the violation), the greater the resulting captivity. Since the law of chastity is God's second most serious commandment, with only the shedding of innocent blood surpassing it in gravity, the resulting captivity is incredibly intense – more so than that which is related to most other sins.

Some people wonder why pornography is so addictive and destructive. Here's a bit of the science behind it, mixed with some Christian doctrine:

When we engage in sexual activity out of wedlock, obviously the Holy Ghost cannot be there because we are acting directly contrary to God's commandments. Satans counterfeit - his attempt to mimic that most sacred experience - is the six dopamine that are released in reaction to sexual transgression. Those are what make sexual behaviors out of wedlock so addictive. In cocaine and heroine use, three or four of those dopamine are released, but in sexual acts out of wedlock (which are not sanctioned by God) all six are are released, making any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage so incredibly much more addictive than the very worst of the drugs out there. And as we use those "substances" (the so-called "drugs" of sexual activity – in any of its forms – out of wedlock), they stop having the same effect as they once did because our psyche becomes accustomed to the "drug." We then have to seek out stronger and stronger stimuli until we lose total self control and we end up engaging in completely sinister, dark and insidious acts that our minds, in our normal, chaste (or at least what society calls "chaste”) state – cannot comprehend. This is precisely what happened to Peter Jacobsen.

When married couples engage in sexual behavior, because it is not only sanctioned by God, but blessed by Him, instead of the six dopamine being released, God's version instead occurs, which is an experience of two people becoming one with God, as they, with Him, engage in the creative process - that of bringing lives into this world. It is spiritual, supposedly (I've never been married and therefore have never had sex with my ... not-wife) incredible. It is therefore not addictive at all and does not lead to any other behaviors but instead brings the two people closer to God. And it is beautiful and healthy as the two people use that to enrich their relationship not only with each other, but also with their Heavenly Father.

End braindump.

Friends, pornography MUST stop. Society is being torn apart by sexual sin and I would venture to say that the majority of it originates in pornography. Do not let it into your life. The slippery slope is just too great. What happened to Peter could happen to ANY of us. Do not think you are immune to it. YOU'RE NOT. Pornography is a gateway drug that can lead to other drugs like molest, rape, child pornography and any other type of deviant sexual behavior. If it is in your life, do WHATEVER it takes to eradicate it from your being. It is more addictive and destructive than any drug out there and it will destroy your life, through whatever small (or large) presence it has there. Think I'm exaggerating? If you have viewed pornography within the last, say, month, look at your significant other; do you love him or her because of the very person he or she is or because of the physical pleasures he or she can offer you? It's a bit of a wake-up call, isn't it? If the eradication means getting an Internet filter, DO IT. If it means getting one for your husband or boyfriend or father, DO IT. In most cases of pornography addictions, the subject needs counseling to break their dependence on the monster. If you think you can break it on your own, more power to you, but you're probably wrong. Sorry. You'll likely relapse.

Pornography pervades more than just video and photos. It finds itself in our language, our jokes, and most importantly, our thoughts. Choose to take the higher road. Do not view films - even some that are PG-13 - that have sexual content or excessive innuendo. When conversations turn to that subject, change the subject or simply leave. Peter taught us to always take the higher road. It is so ironic he taught us a higher, better way, when he was in fact in the gall of bitterness and anguish. One of the sadder moments of yesterday and the night before was when he would tell jokes of a sexual nature. There he was, a broken man, trying to piece his life back together, and he was still keeping one foot in the world that had held him captive since he was seven years old. Little wonder that he still had occasional relapses with adult porn, even after his initial arrest in 2009. By him indulging in those jokes and conversations, all he was doing was baiting Satan to come and tempt him once again. And the result was always the same: relapse.

If we are to successfully combat the epidemic that is consuming the world, we must eliminate it completely from our lives. Please, make a personal pledge with me (alongside me, not with me. Make it with God), right now, that you will totally eliminate this from your life. Let us learn from Peter and his experience. Let his experience be a turning point in your life. And may the Lord bless you in your commitment to righteousness and purity. Only in Him, our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, can we be made whole and perfect. So rely on him and remain ever so close to Him. And even if you aren't a religious person, then do it for your own personal peace of mind and out of respect and love for those around you. Think about the effects pornography has on those who love you and depend on you for love. Think about how pornography affects your ability to see them as dignified people, as opposed to objects after which you lust. Porn will destroy you and it will destroy your family. Don't let it.

If Peter wants his story told, then let's tell his story through the way we live our lives and the commitments we make.

Let's do this.
All my love,
Logan

Here is a link to a speech about pornography, made by a leader in my church. Perhaps you will find it informative or even eye-opening. http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng&query=holland+pornography

oh gosh, i got passionate again....

2010-11-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

this is a controversial blogpost. some of you are going to disagree vehemently with it. i got passionate in my writing. some of it is emotional. it is my reply to single dad laughing's post, "Worthless women and the men who make them."

http://www.danoah.com/2010/10/worthless-women-and-men-who-make-them.html

i've been thinking about this post for the past two or three hours and have made some conclusions:

1. we are responsible for what we think of ourselves. one of my favorite lines from the musical "AIDA" is, "you are your own master; if you don't like your fate, CHANGE IT." Yes, society does a PISS POOR job of building us up, but WE ultimately decide what we are and are not going to believe. and OF COURSE the people around us have a massive impact on us, but we also have the responsibility and CHOICE to surround ourselves with people who are good for us. women, there ARE good men out there. FIND THEM. and don't settle for less.

2. this article is about 60% good and excellent and true and noteworthy. but wow, does it patronize women. it says, "women, you aren't strong enough or aren't intelligent enough to decide what goes into your brain or not, so let's see if we can alter your world." NEWSFLASH: the world is NOT going to change. and it's only going to get worse. sure, the men in your life may be different, but porn and the like is only growing at an increasing rate. there will be more and more ads, storefronts, magazines, web sites, etc, and it will still be right in front of you. and although YOUR men may not look or may not comment, others will and you will still hear it. but will you LISTEN to it? i hope like HELL that you do not. i think i need to illustrate this point:

the SAME thing happens with guys. what about abercrombie models? jcrew models? viggo mortensen, johnny depp, brad bitt, george clooney, orlando bloom? Do our girls not stop and stare and drool at them? do you think guys just don't WANT a sixpack and don't want to have lats that can take out small buildings? the fact is that they do want it, but how many men do you know who do have those things or are as hot as those men? about as many women as you know who have an "ideal" bust, chiseled abs, and a super tight butt. but friends, you have to decide who are you and what you want to believe. i have decided that i am what i am and that I LOVE MYSELF. Now, this is not to say that I don’t believe that the vast majority of men are brainless pigs, but the point that I’m trying to illustrate is that things go both ways and women are just as capable as men in developing their own healthy self-image. I was initially impressed with this post, so I posted it on my facebook page. My friend (girl) replied shortly thereafter with this, which got me into this vein of thought:

“Whatever. I think he's a chauvinistic ass-hole who has a HUGE ego to think that men determine what women should think about themselves. Be it for evil OR good. So, if men suddenly become all perfect and not perverted, THEN women will love themselves? Don't flatter yourselves, guys. And women should GROW UP and stop blaming their problems on men. He's certainly right about some things, but the whole thing made me want to gag.”

I think it’s stupid that we are trying to say to women, “here honey, the naughty world is after you again; let’s see if we can pad things around you a little more so we don’t damage your fragile self.” It is just so condescending and patronizing. WOMEN—YOU *CAN* BE STRONG!! YOU HAVE *EVERY* CAPABILITY to be so. So do it. Be strong. Be yourself. And love it, dang it. I know I’ll love you. If only you could hear all the wonderful things people say about you.

Well, frankly, it doesn't matter how many complements people pay you; of course, they’re nice and wonderful and all, but ultimately, if it doesn't come from within yourself, you won't believe it. YOU have to change YOUR thinking and YOUR belief system or your life won’t get better. If the men in your life change, and start paying you complements, things might get a little better, but it likely won’t be lasting. You, yourself, ultimately have to make the change.

Something that helped me (and continues to help me) immeasurably was keeping a daily victory journal. I am not allowed to write anything negative in the journal. I now keep a journal recording God’s hand in my daily life—all the evidences of His involvement in my life. Wow, what a blessing it is for me.

now, i realize there a fair few women (ok, mountains of them) who are in some pretty tough situations. that is truly, absolutely devastating. i read the comments on this post and my heart just breaks and is shredded. honestly, i don't know what to tell you, except this: cast your burden upon the Lord and live your life. be your own person. you really are the master of your fate. yes, make your husband read this post and help him and don't give up on him, but there will be some situations that just won't get any better. gosh, that sounds so pessimistic, but i'm just trying to be realistic. But give your burden to the Lord and let Him take the pain for you. Let Him carry it. You don’t have to. There’s a whole book on this: “The Peacegiver.” I HIGHLY recommend it. Wow, is it good.

Those are my thoughts. I didn’t expect to write so much, but sometimes when I get going, apparently I have a hard time stopping. Feel free to email me your thoughts on this.

From Survival Mode to Thrival Mode

2010-10-09T17:41:00.001-07:00

General Conference (the semi-annual Church-wide meeting for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) was, as it always, wonderful for me. I am usually pretty good about taking fairly extensive notes during the various talks (sermons), but I decided to just sit back a bit more this time and only write down the things that really penetrated me through the Holy Ghost, knowing full-well the talks would be online (http://lds.org/conference/sessions/display/0,5239,23-1-1298,00.html) and I could go back and review them later.

During Elder Neil L. Andersen's talk of the Saturday Afternoon session, I had a particularly poignant thought come into my head that took me on quite the journey throughout the rest of his talk (so much so that I, till today, have no idea what he said). The thought was that for too long (namely this spring and summer) I have had the mentality of just “hanging on” spiritually and emotionally. I accept much of the blame for this mentality, but I also think our culture propagates it through the way its members view life. We focus so much in our culture on trials and dealing with them with a positive attitude, etc., etc. that we, as a people, get into this mindset that “if I can just get through this with a lot of prayer and scripture study, I know I'll be okay.” We think of "dealing with" trials, rather than embracing them and thriving, not only in spite of, but also because of them. I think this is actually a pretty dangerous mentality, to be honest. It puts us in survival mode, instead of … thrive-al mode – a mindset wherein we think of ourselves as able to not only survive, but thrive, both spiritually and emotionally.

That evening in Priesthood Session (a session especially directed toward the men of the Church. Don't worry – the women also have a session especially for them a week earlier.), President Monson mentioned a man in his talk (http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-21,00.html) who faced a ridiculously hard decision. In his decision-making process, he once thought to himself, “in my particular extenuating circumstance, it’s okay, just this once, if I [do] it. However, he says his entire life has turned out to be an unending stream of extenuating circumstances,” President Monson said.

I think this man's life, with all its extremes and ups and downs, is no exception to the majority of people's lives. We all have trials and hard times, many of them coming one after the other without much relief in the degree of intensity. It would be unfair to say we should put those aside or belittle them – they are, in fact, the building blocks of our personality and character, as so much of who we become is based on how we react to those things.

But if we get into the mentality of “just let me get through this,” then (1) we only view ourselves as victims of life and (2) we never get to the point where we can really thrive and succeed spiritually and emotionally. Frankly, there will always be more trials and hardships—isn't this life supposed to be a test? When did we get it into our heads that we would just float through this whole thing? We might as well as get used to the lemons life throws at us because there will always be more – some sweeter, some exponentially more bitter.

But how? How do I thrive amongst all this CRAP in my life?

Elaine L. Jack, the General Relief Society President during the early 1990s, gave a devotional at BYU on this topic in which she offered some of the most exquisite counsel I've ever heard on the subject. Her devotional, entitled “Get a Life,” focused on a few points she recommended to people on how they can love their life. The most poignant part of the talk (http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=7097 ) was when she spoke of embracing our life, which Our Heavenly Father has given us:

"Sometimes I fear we have expectations that the good life is the life being led by someone else. The truth is that the good life is the life you have, for it's the only one you can lead. I believe Nephi understood that--with a full heart he could thank the Lord in the midst of trials that often were life threatening. To thank the Lord for his blessings to us is to understand how good life is, even when it seems unpleasant, unsuccessful, or just plain hard."

One thought I have after reading this is that we must embrace our trials—love them and all they bring with them. And then take everything we can from them to make ourselves better people.

Sister Beck, in her Regional Conference talk at the beginning of September, said “we are doing better than we think we are, but we can do better.” So very many of us are doing all the right things, yet we are still in survival mode, emotionally and spiritually. After her talk and after my experience at General Conference, I have felt like shouting both to myself and those around me “YOU'RE DOING IT!!! YOU'VE GOT IT! Stop worrying so much and being driven by guilt.”

I think one of the key steps we need to make to get from survival to thrival mode is to actually believe her! Believe that we really are doing so much better than we think we are. Yes, we can do better, but we need to look at what we've accomplished in our spiritual and emotional progress and realize that we are, indeed, becoming the people God wants us to become. And then we need to embrace life and all that comes with it and use it; if its going to be there, we might as well use it to our advantage instead of dreading and—heaven forbid—complaining about it (See post entitled “Happiness is...”). And we wonder how we can do better? If we do this, what incredible progress we will make in our lives.

And when we do this, I think we can really experience the true joy this life has to offer. In my deluge of thought from the Holy Ghost that I received in G.C., one of the reasons, He explained to me, that I was receiving that was so I could feel more appropriately confident in building the Kingdom of God on this earth. The Lord needs us, but if we are only grappling and floundering to stay afloat, He can't really use us. We must believe we are who and what He needs to build His Kingdom, because, frankly, we ARE. He sent us here and foreordained (not predestined) us to carry out specific tasks. He has given us the necessary tools--some of which are, in fact, our trials--to fulfill our missions and find in them the great happiness the scriptures so often reference.

Anyway, so those are my thoughts.

I don't know if any of this applies to anyone out there, but I suspect it does. Take from it what you will. It's at least super helpful to me. I personally need these braindumping sessions every once in a while. And I post these things in hopes that my thoughts will help someone out there who may happen to read this.

SUnday, June 6, 2010

2010-06-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Sabbath. Last week's sabbath was really good. I remember it well because I wrote about it. But this one was not quite as good. I think it was probably because I didn't keep it. We had an optional trip to Windsor to tour the castle and attend an evensong there. They made it perfectly clear that they trip was optional, but I wanted to go, so I did. It wasn't so much that we were paying money to do things, so much as the fact that it wasn't a day of rest, neither figuratively, nor literally. I cherish my sabbaths because they help me put everything in perspective and when I don't have the opportunity to do that, the day means so much less than it normally does. Even if I go to church, as I did this morning, and then go and do something else, it just doesn't allow me the rest and sanctity of a normal sabbath. And that is important. In the Bible dictionary, it talks about how entire nations' downfalls have been the result of their breaking the sabbath. While I do not think the Lord would destroy an entire nation just for breaking the sabbath, I do think it can be a starting point—a gateway drug—that can lead to other things. All it takes is us changing our scopes and direction once and if we don't get back soon (i.e. by going to church and being strengthened there), we get farther and farther off the path. It just doesn't take very much for us to stray a little bit to get us to stray a lottle bit.

Church was really good today. I went to a family ward in the morning and really liked it. The ward is pretty big, with TONS of visitors every week, but the actual members seem to be really awesome. It seems like they are a bit like one of my areas on my mission—really well-established, but they also have enough recent converts that it keeps the ward fresh and young at heart, in the gospel sense. It was really refreshing to be back in that kind of environment. I really liked it.

I skipped out on Priesthood and got something to eat, because otherwise, I wouldn't be eating till about 8-8:30, when we got back to London from Windsor.

And then we went out to Windsor by motorcoach. Windsor Castle was really cool. I felt like I connected much more with it than I did Versaille(s?). It was far more human and a bit more sensible...which is not to say it was not ornate and just decorated out the wazoo. But it was a little more down-to-earth out the wazoo decorating.

Anyway, I enjoyed it. Then we got food at a dirty pub. And missed Evensong because we got to the door one minute before the service started. That'll teach me to be late to things. Or not really early to them. Something like that.

Then on home for a chill night of talking with friends. As I was doing so, one of my friends had another friend over here who wanted to go visit another friend over at the London center and then had to get to her hostel a little ways away. My friend didn't want her to go alone, so she asked me to go with her. While I was over there, I met this girl who really caught my eye. We had great a super great, tintillating conversation and I fully intend on asking her out when I get back to Provo. It was really quite refreshing to meet someone that actually caught me eye. It hasn't happened since...September. I'll look forward to exploring that when I get back to Provo.

We got to my friend's friend's hostel at about 12:15, and then I had to make my way back on the bus system, since the Tube was closed. It's a good thing I lived in Sao Paulo for two years, or I'm pretty sure I would have been reasonably scared. But I was totally fine. I am glad I feel confident about getting around places. It makes life for easier.

Anyway, this is the last time I have to do an official journal entry for my program. I'll obviously continue blogging here and there, but it'll likely be a bit more sparse—certainly not daily. But keep in touch, ok? If you miss me, find me on facebook or email me. Love to all.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

2010-06-06T17:44:00.002-07:00

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Let's see...what did I do today?! Heavens, I really can't remember. Isn't that weird how after an incredibly eventful day or weekend, someone can ask you what you did and you can totally not recall anything that you did? I think it is.

Well, now I remember. I woke up at a reasonable hour (9ish, which, if I were at home, would not be a reasonable hour, but I've adapted slightly different sleep habits on this trip.), read the skippies, and then went to get tickets for a touring production of “Spamalot” with theatre friend Annalee and a few of her friends.

We went to Pizza Express, which is pretty similar to California Pizza Kitchen back in the states, before the show for lunch and then hit up the show.

Honestly, the show was kind of disappointing. I think in order to really pull it off, you have to go at it with about 400% dedication and these guys did it with about 94%. In a regular show, 94% might actually fly, but not this one; you need much more than that. I could see the show being just phenomenal, but they weren't totally committed to their humor and jokes, etc. I think I'm finding that I find British musical theatre to be fairly disappointing on the whole, actually. There have been very few times during this trip that things have really clicked in and made me think they really worked. Now, straight theatre is a totally different story. The straight theatre has been, on the whole VERY good. I've been super pleased with it. But I don't think I plan on seeing any more musicals in England (if/when I come back) unless I hear consistent rave reviews from extremely credible sources.

Since the show got out a bit early, I headed back home before our evening concert of the Croyden Philharmonic Choir. They did Haydn's “The Creation.” The orchestra was pretty decent and the choir was....well, as my friend, Emily, and I decided, not painful...mostly. The soloists were actually quite good though. I especially liked the soprano. She had a beautiful, Baroque-style voice and had not been singing for so long that it had gotten too warbly. Often, when sopranoes get into their career, they started being influenced pretty heavily by opera and other styles of music and they start developing a shrill, warbly sound. Well, it's not like it's a light switch and BAM, they have it, but they definitely do go that direction. Anyway, she had a very round, warm tone and it was very pleasant to listen to. I also thought the tenor was quite good. He placed his voice in fairly high placement, which lent itself well to Haydn's music. The baritone was....good, but I didn't like him. And he had some warbly notes, when it wasn't quite clear which note he was trying to sing.

I felt kind of bad tonight. I went to the concert not really in the mood to go to a concert. Consequently, when I saw that the concert was going to more less like the Ealing Choral Society from a couple weeks ago, I kind of tuned out a bit. I think I could have gotten a lot more out of the concert, had I gone in with the correct attitude. But then again, sometimes you just don't want to do things. And I suppose it is our responsibility to change our attitude, even if we don't want to do that thing.

One highlight of the concert was the conductor. He was about as ballistic as they come. When he wanted a really big rebound in his pattern, he would often have his hand explode into a brief jazz hands-like manner, usually accompanied by a swift head flip, which caused quite the hair flop. The man was all over the place. It was really quite thrilling to watch him and his animation.

And then back to the flat to hang out for a chill night.

Friday, June 4, 2010

2010-06-06T17:44:00.001-07:00

Friday, June 4, 2010, 2010

I really enjoyed our day today. We started the day by going to class and having Brother Whimmer (our tour guide, more or less) lecture on the two World Wars, focusing largely on the wars from the British perspective. I really liked that, but found myself wanting more time to go through everything (as he did). He only had about an hour to do both wars, so it was rather rushed.

We then went through two choral pieces written during and/or as a result of the wars: Vaughan Williams' “Dona Nobis Pacem” and Britten's “War Requiem.” I really enjoyed the VW piece, but I still have a hard time connecting with Britten. I can accept and appreciate his music as very intelligent and complex, but I just can't connect with him emotionally. We did a piece by him this past year, “I Loved a Lass,” which which I actually connected fairly decently, but basically everything else I've heard by him has been just a little too disjunct for my liking. I feel a bit frustrated by it, because I often pride myself on being extremely open-minded about music and can fairly easily delve into a piece of music and a composer—if it is good writing. There are plenty of composers I just can't appreciate because they simply do not write good music.

Anyway, after class, we headed home for some lunch and then we all went independently to the Imperial War Museum, which I loved. In fact, I may even go back. One thing I found a bit frustrating about it was that they had INCREDIBLE amounts of uniforms and armory, but it was sometimes a bit thin on the information about the wars. I would have preferred to receive more information about what actually happened in the wars, as opposed to just seeing uniforms, guns, armory, etc.

They did have two exhibits that I enjoyed a great deal:

One was a trench exhibit/replica/simulation for World War I. It smelled really bad—probably not as bas as the actual ones—and they did quite a good job of modeling and designing it to look fairly haphazardly constructed, as I imagine the original ones were. I felt like I got a better grasp of what trench life was, though I am probably nowhere near where I should or want to be in regard to my knowledge of what it was. I wish there were more films about WWI so we would understand it better. I suppose the US wasn't nearly as involved in that war as it was in other wars and since the majority of films that come out in the US are made by Americans, they just aren't as motivated to write scripts about it.

Anyway, the other exhibit that I liked a lot was a bomb shelter that they used during the Blitz, when the Luftwaffe bombed the living daylights out of London. They had us all go into a super small brick room with two wooden benches. We stayed in there for about five or ten minutes while we were “bombed,” which consisted in recordings of loud explosions and screaming, among sounds of buildings collapsing. They then had us move out of the room once the bombing was over and we saw the ruins of the city. It was dark and there were tons of “fires” all around us. They narrated it simply by recordings of people talking to each other about the damages from the bombs. It was pretty cool.

After the museum, friend Emily and I went to get yummy Thai food. Then I watched “Saving Private Ryan” with a few friends. I don't necessarily enjoy watching that movie, but I think films or experiences like that are essential to understanding what WWII was and what war is. I remember not really appreciating war and WWII until I saw that film. That film brought to light all the things they had to suffer through. I hadn't seen it since I was about 15 or 16, so I thought it was about time I watched it again. It's a fabulous and powerful film.

Below are my notes from class today.

140 million deaths associated with deaths in 20th century
GB had had peace for about 100 yrs prev to WWI
problems within the empire, but no wars
previously constantly at war with Frnc
most powerful and wealthy country in the world at that time
highest standard of living, healthiest people
GB believed that war was a thing of the past—that they had established peace

We (U.S.) have a tendency to view war as moral conflict b/t good and evil—God and Satan, essentially
WWI was fought b/t abt 40 mi b/t France and Belgium (trenches)
gases used in trenches
effects lasted yrs and yrs
role of U.S.:
53,000 casualties
Amer perspective: “aw crap, we've gotta go save Britain again”
Brit persp: “Johnny come late.”
not a moral war.
Ex: cooks exchanging recipes, Christmas Eve celebration
ended bc both sides were totally exhausted and couldn't suffer any more casualties
often stated that God was one of the casualties – faith

WWII:

Germany got short end of stick
blamed largely for WWI
in Treaty of Versailles, Germany had to admit guilt
$40 Bill. Reparations due from Germany
hyper inflation
Sept, '39 – May '40 – not much fighting, but some gunfire
Hitler: “Give us the continent (incl Russia) and you can have the rest of the world.”
Churchill refused
England sent armada of little boats to pick up soldiers
May 29, 1940
Britain alone against Luftwaffe
Churchill gave speech declaring their aims against Germany
Hitler hated it – began 80 day war of personalities b/t the two
began preparations for operation Sea Lion – German Navy to take out Royal Air Force
RAF – only 1200 pilots
Battle of Britain
RAF was very effective, but couldn't afford losses
for every 1 RAF loss, there were 2.5 Germ. Losses
Sept. 7 – German Luftwaffe invades, supasses London, bombs civillian areas
50-60,000 Britons killed
although many civillians were killed, it gave RAF chance to recover and rest; retrain, etc.

Vaughan Williams

brought up in very affluent family
enlisted in WWI as ambulence man – carrying stretchers
horrific experiences
people who heard his music before said his music was never the same
Commissioned to write Dona Nobis Pacem as WWII was brewing
chose texts from several scs
began with mass, then moved to Walt Whitman poem (Whitman served as nurse during Amer. Civil War)
Went around and recorded people singing English Folk songs that had not been written down
much of his music sounds like English folk songs

Thursday, June 3, 2010

2010-06-04T18:28:00.002-07:00

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Canterbury!

Enchanting place, that one. After a nice lunch at Pizza Express with Heather, Emily, and Nick, the group took a tour of the Cathedral of Canterbury (the equivalent of...Temple Square for the Anglican Church, you might say, since that is where the head Archbishop resides), which was quite nice. It was an actual tourguide, which really made the cathedral come to life for me. I loved being able to ask him questions and get his take on things. There is a ton of history in that cathedral. My favorite stories from the cathedral:

When Oliver Cromwell was ridding England of all fancy piety, he had his men break all of the stained glass they could reach in the cathedral. They had fairly tall ladders, but could not reach all the windows, such as the ones a few stories up. So the top windows are from the 1200s and the bottom ones are from the 1600s. Beautiful stained glass. I'd say it's just as pretty as Saint Chapel in Paris, but the entire sides of the cathedral aren't covered in glass like Saint Chapel is.

The other story had to do with World War II. The Luftwaffe dropped tons of incendiary bombs on th cathedral and they actually had employees who would stay up there and kick off the bombs. Pretty incredible stuff. And amazingly enough, the cathedral was totally untouched through the war.

Really gorgeous place. Tons of history.

After, we went to an abbey that was totally destroyed in the bombings. It was cool. Really pretty. Not too much more to say about that.

And we went punting on a manmade canal and it was pretty. And then we went to a sung Eucharist at the cathedral. The choir was....well, bad.

And back to the flats to....well, I don't really remember. Must not have been terribly momentous.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

2010-06-04T18:28:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

And this is the full record of the day. It was a GREAT day, full of culture and learning.

I woke up at a leisurely hour and hit the road with Michelle, Scott, and Jessica to go get tickets for “All My Sons.” After getting over there, the four of us split into two groups and Jessica and I went to exchange her Macbeth tickets for a different day, after which we went to the British Library, where we saw such things as original Beatles sheet music, the earliest known manuscripts of Bible passages, an original score of Handel's Messiah (which he composed in 24 days....WHAT?), one of the original copies of the Magna Carta, among other original religious works. It was really fantastic.

I've been thinking about museums a lot lately. We go to them to see things and learn about them. But most of those things we find in museums we can also find on the internet. I guess the question is “what do you actually gain from seeing the item in person? People say (and I include myself in this) that it's just not the same as seeing the things in person. Perhaps it is similar to what happens to us when we hear live music—some endorphins get going in our head and it makes us all tingly inside. Whatever it is, it keeps us going back for more.

After the library, we had to skiddaddle like crazy monkies to get back to the theater for the matinee of “All My Sons,” largley because the tube map didn't show some critical information to our arriving at our destination. Anyway, we made it with a few minutes to spare and all was well.

Let me just say upfront that “All My Sons” on West End was THE best, most masterful acting I have EVER seen on stage and maybe in my life. It BLEW me away. All the actors were so incredibly saturated into their characters. They knew every singly knook and cranny of their characters and were so good at simply living on stage. They merely existed and were so believable. And I cannot even say just how amazingly spot-on their acting was. The script was just fantastically written. I can not get over how much Miller packed into one script. He was an absolutely phenomenal playwright. It is easily the best stage performance I have ever seen. I am still reeling from it as I write this entry three days later.

After being totally and completely stunned by the production, we went to get Thai food at a restaurant near China town. My dish was good, but not phenomenal. Jessica, who doesn't like spicy food at all got a green curry, which was quite spicy, but fantastic. So we basically traded. Both ended up quite pleased with the other's dish.

And off we went to see Tosca at the English National Opera. Beautiful music. Great voices. Not phenomenal, but good. I'll tell you what though, Puccini could flat out write music. Dang. That man could write emotion. All the operas by the ENO are done in English, which I honestly found a bit distracting. Since the music wasn't written originally to be sung in English, it ended up sounding a bit awkward. However, the plot was gripping for me.

And then back to the flats for a chill evening.

Wednesday, June 4, 2010

2010-06-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 4, 2010

So on Friday, it is Poppy Day, which is a holiday the UK celebrates to commemorate the two World Wars. We are going to the Imperial War Museum after a class of learning about the wars. I am super excited for it. In preparation for that day, they've asked us to write down our feelings about the wars and then research the causes of those wars.

So here are my feelings about the wars:

World War I:

World War I was such a long time that it is much harder for me to be personally invested in it than I personally invest myself in WWII. Nevertheless, when I read about WWI, I am absolutely blown away by the things they suffered through. Trench warfare just sounds like a terribly miserable experience. I think about all the standing water, as well as the gas bombs, the regular bombs and the schrapnel from them. It was just so unsanitary. I feel like war back then was just about as miserable experience as you could have. Now, it is pretty easy for the Army to set up shelters and the like to create an environment that is a bit more comfortable than it was then. Those guys suffered. I can't even imagine the amount of sickness there was in those trenches. And not only there, but also life was also super rough in other parts of the war. I've seen films on World War I pilots and the planes then were still super new (only 10-15 years old) and there were still a ton of problems with them and the firearms they used. It was just so elementary.

As far as how WWI impacts my life, it does, but I don't consciously think about its effects like I do WWII's effects on my life. I suppose there have been far fewer media productions on WWI, so I appreciate it much less because I know so much less about it. I am excited to go research it, learn about it on Friday, and see things from it in the Imperial Museum.

And now feelings on WWII:

Wow. So many thoughts. I have learned so much about WWII that I actually have some kind of idea how it affects my life. For some reason, I am fascinated by what happened to a country under the power of a powerful, charismatic, wicked man. There was so much sadness that he brought about to millions and millions of people.

I first think about the concentration camps and the suffering the Jews went through there. I have been to the Holocaust Museum in DC and it was truly moving. Such abject humiliation was thrusted upon them. I think about the Nazis and what must have gone through their minds as they assisted in the treatment and killing of the prisoners—surely some of them had to have felt totally lost as to what to do. They had to have dealt with immense amounts of guilt as they inflicted the pain on those poor people.

Lastly, I think of the soldiers who fought for the liberty of so many people. I remember watching Saving Private Ryan and seeing the immense courage the soldiers had to face bullets literally coming straight at their heads. Oh, how that must have been terrifying. They were not ordinary men, even if they were just like any other ordinary kid on the street. Those men had heart and impeccable courage.

I meant to write about an experience I had a few weeks ago when we went to Cambridge, but somehow never did. We stopped at a memorial for American soldiers who were stationed in Britain during WWII and died in the fighting, especially pilots who flew over the Channel to fight over France. It was a moving cemetery, with all the white crosses marking their graves, as well as a chapel dedicated to them, a wall with all their names on it, and an American flag. I felt quite a bit of reverence as I walked along the wall and into the chapel, but the really powerful experience came for me when I stepped onto the grass and among the graves of those soldiers. I could feel them. I have, on few occasions, held anyone in such high regard. And certainly not anyone my own age. Those men died so that so many others could live. I could feel the honor they felt in having fought for that freedom; the sadness they felt for what was happening in the world at the time; the happiness that we still honored what they and others did for the world. Who knows what would have happened if they had not done what they did. They saved thousands, millions. I thank my Heavenly Father for their sacrifice.

And now the causes:

WWI:
1879 – The Dual Alliance – Germany and Austria-Hungary form an alliance to protect themselves from Russia.
1881 – The Austro-Serbian Alliance – Austria-Hungary makes an alliance with Serbia to prevent Russia from taking over Serbia
1882 – The Triple Alliance – Germany and Austria-Hungary make an alliance with Italy to stop Italy from taking sides with Russia.
1894 – Russia forms an alliance with France to protect itself from Germany and Austria-Hungary.
1904 – Entente Cordiale – Agreement, not formal alliance between France and England, stating that they would thenceforth co-exist peacefully, unlike the past....forever.
1907 – Anglo-Russian Entente – This was basically an earlier version of the Cold War, but between the two, though they hadn't had any real conflicts. But it was an unspoken rivalry they knew would eventually boil over into a real conflict, so they thought they would stop the conflict before it happened.
1914 – Triple Entente – England, France, and Russia all agreed not to sign for peace separately. This basically formed an alliance that would counter Germany, Italy, and Austria-Hungary. Other countries influenced this agreement, including the US.

And then Serbian revolutionary Gavrilo Princip assassinated Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife in August, 1914. And all hell broke loose. Essentially, the gun had been loaded for years, but the trigger simply needed to be pulled, which this assassination did. It was simply a huge blame game once the trigger was pulled on Ferdinand and wife, and people needed an excuse to get involved. And then all of Europe is at war. Bad news bears, I tell you.

World War II:

After the ending treaties of World War I, Germany was in a pretty sorry state. Before the war, there were 4.7 Francks to the dollar; at the end there were about 4.7 trillion Francks to the dollar. They were in dire need of a leader who could pull them out of the abyss in which they found themselves. And along came Hitler, a blastedly charismatic and idealistic man who presented a stance so convincingly that he got much of the country rallying behind him. Setting up a fascist dictatorship, Hitler created a country where he ruled with an iron fist and he simply got his way. Starting in 1933, he started building up the army and weaponry, as well as made military service compulsory.

In 1936, Hitler's troops invaded Prussia. Hitler also made two important alliances that year: the Rome Berlin Axis Pact, which allied Italy to Germany, as well as the Anti-Comitern Pact, allying Japan to Germany.

In 1938, Germany started reclaiming lands lost from the results of World War I, starting with Austria. In a vote forced on the country, 99% of the people said they wanted to be part of Germany. Hitler promised this would be the end of his expansion, but within six months, he was back on the move, taking back the Sudetenland of Czechoslovakia.

Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain of Britain met with Hitler, drawing up the Munich Agreement, stating that Hitler would stop there or risk war. Hitler again broke his word in March, 1939 and invaded the rest of Czechoslovakia. France and England knew they could not stand idly by, so they agreed that if Hitler invaded Poland, they would intervene. And that he did, in August of 1939.

And all hell broke loose again, involving country after country.

And the last part of the assignment is to write down all the choral pieces I know that are about war. They're not many, but here goes:

War Requiem, by Benjamin Britten
Battle Hymn of the Republic
Yankee Doodle
Un Soir de Neige – Poulenc
Star Spangled Banner
Dona Nobis Pacem – Vaughan Williams
Onward Christian Soldiers
Flander's Fields - Aitken

Tuesday, June 2

2010-06-02T16:53:00.002-07:00

Tuesday, June 2

Great day again! I love it when those happen in succession!

We started off the day with a workshop by Paul Spicer, the conductor of the Finzi Singers, which is a professional choir here. A fantastic one at that. He taught a lot about directing technique (not conducting) and how to teach singing, as well as some of his personal teaching methods. It was super interesting. So that was the first session. The second was about the Finzi Singers, which was totally awesome, because we got to hear recordings of a whole lot of their stuff. Then lunch. Third session was about music and spirituality. It was super hard to stay awake because it was right after lunch, it was mighty warm in the chapel, he was largely reading his presentation, and honestly, a whole lot of it was over my head. So I didn't do so well on the whole staying awake thing during that session. After that, I took a nap, so I could be awake for the fourth session, which was about George Dysis and Herbert Howells, which I liked quite a bit. He read most of it, which I didn't particularly enjoy, but it had some good stuff (Spicer wrote biographies on the two men.).

Anyway, I really liked the day in class, though it was a little long (till 4:30). I really liked him, and I was actually thinking about how much I've liked so many Britons. They are just so wonderfully open, warm and frienly. I really enjoy them because they are simply so pleasant! I think they have maintained a real faith in humanity, whereas we Americans have lost much of our faith in the natural goodness of people.

I was talking about this with Chris and he pointed out how British people on the whole are not a terribly competitive people. He used the choral society to illustrate this. Here, there are levels for every skill set of choral singing, so you simply find where you fit in, and sing there. But I've never heard of anyone moving up on the ladder of choral singing. They only stay about where they are. In the US, we hear about people advancing all the time, because it is built into our systems to advance and to be a bit cut-throat. Because of that, we come to distrust people in general, because we are convinced they are out to get us in some way or other. However, British people instinctively trust people, and it shows through the way they treat total strangers; they are kind, gentle, warm, and cordial. It's just a blasted pleasure to talk with them. Anyway, enough on that.

After class, I went to wait in line to get tickets for a play called “London Assurance.” Scott, Michelle, and I ended up getting in, but we paid a pretty penny for the tickets—44 lbs. But frankly, it was worth it. It was some of the best comedic theatre I've ever seen. Just fantastic stuff. It reminded me quite a bit of “The Importance of Being Ernest,” but with more deceit, more clever writing, more puns, and more farce. So basically, a glorified version of “Ernest.” It was absolutely hysterical. It certainly kept our minds racing the entire time, just trying to keep up with their lines and puns. It was great fun. And we actually saw some pretty famous film actors in it too! Aunt Petunia, from Harry Potter, as well as the main servant in A Knight's Tale. Pretty cool stuff.

And then on home! Great day.

Monday, June 1st

2010-06-02T16:53:00.001-07:00

Monday, June 1st

Rather enjoyable day today!

Yesterday I met some Brasilians at church and they invited me over to their hourse for a churrasco (Brasilian barbecue. I just realized I wrote about this yesterday. Oops.). After a chill morning of planning the rest of my time here, I took off to the area where we would have the churrasco. It was out in the Wimbledon area, which is absolutely GORGEOUS. It reminded me a whole lot of Indian Hill, actually, for all y'all Cincinnatians out there. For those not from Cincinnati, it was heavily forested and had large, luscious homes. It was such a fantastic place. It was a bit removed from the city and felt like a legitimate suburb. It was SO incredibly green and gorgeous. I loved it. It was a bit of a culture shock for me. On one hand, I was in London, doing the whole England thing; but on the other, I was hanging out with Brasilians, doing Brasilian things, like churrascando and speaking Portuguese. It was pretty funny.

Anyway, it was really fun to be with Brasilians, as always. They're such a good time. I even love just talking with them. They're so warm and welcoming. I am so happy I got to know that culture on my mission. They will forever bless my life through their example.

After the churrasco, I headed over to meet friends Emilie, Haley, and Chris to see “Legally Blonde, the Musical.” It was SO much fun! A bit irreverent at times, but it was just a blast overall. The stage totally exploded with energy any time they opened their mouths! And absolute blast. I loved it! I mean, it's not my favorite musical, and I probably don't need to see it again, but I still liked it quite a bit. The first act was a lot of light-heartedness and I actually was starting to get a little tired of it, but the second act got some more grounding and the show totally worked. And I laughed my pants off. It was ridiculous. We had a really good time.

Fun day.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

2010-05-31T16:35:00.004-07:00

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Let's talk about how much I love the Sabbath, shall we? Yes, let us shall.

It is just such a blessed day! It is so refreshing to focus solely on things that matter. While yes, I am reading Following Christ right now and am studying the skips or Conference talks on a daily basis, focusing on Christ and Heavenly Father for the entire day just doesn't really happen terribly often on non-Sabbath days. But when I do focus on them all day long, how I feel the Spirit so strongly! It is so refreshing.

So today was really great. This morning, roommates Chris and Jonnie and I went to Sung Eucharist, where they did Byrd's Mass for Four Voices at St. Bartholomew's church, actually very close to where we saw Peter Pan on Friday night.

The church was gorgeous. It was built in 1123, so the architecture was not as ornate and fancy was many other churches I've seen over here, but I kind of preferred that because it actually preserved the worshipfulness of the chapel, as opposed to focusing on the ornateness or fanciness, etc (I'm pretty sure I've used some words that don't actually exist in the English language in this paragraph). It was relatively small, but big enough that it was still a “legit” european church.

The service was super nice. The Mass for Four Voices is fantastic. William Byrd wrote it after some monarch (who I don't presently remember) came into power and forced everyone to convert to the Anglican Church, but he wanted to remain Catholic. So he continued having underground Catholic services in covert locations with those who wanted to continue in the Catholic tradition. Therefore, the masses for three, four, and five voices are fairly Catholic-sounding (rather than Anglican-sounding) and they are really great because they are also extremely intimate. Often, there would only be a few people at these services Byrd sponsored, so if there were only going to be three people at church the next week, he would write a Mass for Three Voices. If it was only going to be four, Mass for Four Voices. And then he wrote one more for five. I think my favorite is for three. It is just so intimate, yet, at the same time, Byrd manages to make it a bit intricate and really engaging. It's fantastic stuff.

So the choir was only six voices and it just had that intimate sound that I'm sure Byrd heard when he wrote the piece. I really loved it. It was really quite refreshing to hear. Loved it.

After the service, we rushed to the Singles' Ward at Hyde Park, where we had a super good Sacrament Meeting, mainly about dedication to the Lord and gospel study.

After Sunday School, I overheard some Portuguese from two girls just in front of me, so after a little, I asked where they were from in Portuguese, which took them completely off-guard. It was really funny.

And in true Brasilian form, I was immediately their friend and we started planning things to do together. I had had thoughts to go to Bath tomorrow, and they were possibly having a churrasco (Brasilian barbecue), so they were either going to come with me to Bath or I was going to join them for the churrasco. Anyway, it was super fun to speak Portuguese and be among Brasilians. Gotta love them.

After church, I ate my weight in food, since I hadn't had much for breakfast and it was 4:30 by the time I got home. I then went on a walk through Hyde Park/Kensington Gardens with my friend, Heather, which was really quite pleasant. It was the perfect day for a walk—sunny, 68 degrees, slight breeze. Fabulous. I walked most of the way barefoot, which was ever so enjoyable, since we were in the grass most of the time. We enjoyed the weather, the other people in the park, and good conversation. It amounted to a very nice stroll.

And back to the flat for a chill evening of games with friends and some blogging, skyping with the 'rents, and BED. Good night.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

2010-05-31T16:35:00.003-07:00

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Fun day! A group of us (Jessica, Danny, Chris Buttars, Nich Herrick, Robert Mc Clellan, Chris Udall and I) rented a car and headed out to Stonehenge and then Portsmouth.

We woke up pretty early and proceeded to wait for a while while everyone got ready, far past the time when we were supposed to leave. Once we finally did leave, we headed out to the airport and grabbed the car. Since we didn't feel like paying extra to have someone “under age” drive, we only had Chris B. drive. It was definitely entertaining watching him figure out how to drive on the left side of the road, from the right hand side of the car. Listening to him say to himself “left, stay left,” every time he went around a turn really never got old. However, he did quite well, and we returned without incident.

So we headed out to Stonehenge, waiting a ridiculous amount of time in traffic (heaven knows for what—once we got on the road to Stonehenge, it wasn't crowded at all) all the way out there. Once we got there, however, the group found out it would be 6 lbs to take the tour and didn't want to go! Ugh. We waited 2.5 hours to get out there just to take a picture and leave? Kind of lame. But they didn't want to go, so I didn't want to force them. We stayed for a bit, I got some nice photos of the English countryside, which is BEAUTIFUL, and we went on our way to Portsmouth.

Because of the traffic on the way out to Stonehenge, plus the long(ish) drives to our stops, we got to Portsmouth just as everything was closing, so we spent the majority of our time just wandering the city, which I loved, of course.

Portsmouth has a great “English sea town” feel to it. It helped that the weather was kind of chilly, rather billowy, and a little rainy at times. It just felt like a true port city, aided of course by the fact that ships were constantly coming in and out of the harbor. There were a few small rock islands just off the coast, which totally reminded me of the scene in the first Harry Potter when they go out to the random rocky isalnd in the sea in the middle of the night. It was so dead-on that scene.

Anyway, we spent a good long time, going from one ruined, historical fort to another, taking lots of photos (soon to come—facebook), and eventually ending up in a pub, where we had some pretty yummy-but-not fantastic food. After dinner, we continued the wanderage around the harbor, which I really did love. It was just so.....seatownesque! I guess I just really love feeling towns. I love getting the feeling of the town. And the cool thing about Europe is that each town is so unique that they really do have a different feel in each town.

And then on home.

Friday, May 28, 2010

2010-05-31T16:35:00.001-07:00

Friday, May 28, 2010

Chill day today. I seem to be having a lot of those lately....

I woke up exorbitantly late (10:37 to be exact) and then headed out to Barbican (on the other side of the Circle line) to get tickets for a new, completely different adaptation of Peter Pan. I then came back to the flat, determined to get caught up on my life, which I did a mediocre job of doing. I had a bunch of days of blogging to do, which I did, but then I was lazy for the next three or four days and it's now Monday and I have to make up for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

Anyway, Friday. I blogged, chilled, read the skips, cooked a super yummy lunch of stir fry, and went to the show with Scott, Annalee, and other theater friends of hers. The show was INCREDIBLE. Like I said, it was totally different than all previous concepts of Peter Pan. It was the touring company from Scotland, where the show originated. Therefore, it was all done in Scotish accents, with a lot of celtic culture thrown in the mix. It wasn't a musical, but it did have a lot of celtic music in it. The script was quite a bit deeper and darker than the original script. It made Peter into more than just the hero of the show; he had more emotion and gave the character much more depth and flaws, actually. Hook wore a kilt and also flew, since he Tinker Bell accidentally sprinkled him with fairy dust. Most of the lighting was fairly dark and there was actually a decent amount of violence.

I think the thing that made it work so well was that the actors were totally committed to their characters, the script, the setting, and their movement. They made it work so well. After the show, I commented to my friends that my doubt has never been suspended so quickly as it was in that show. Within seconds of it starting, I was completely sucked into the show and I believed it. I was truly living in a fairy tale world, but IT WASN'T FAIRY TALE!! It was real. Oh, those actors were so, so good. What a fabulous experience. It was the best theater.....I think I've ever seen.

Oh, one more really cool thing was that Tink was literally a ball of fire. Somehow they used pyrotechnics to have this ball float around in the air and dance all ove stage. And it never burned anything, even when they were holding her in their hands. So odd, yet so awesome. Fantastic show.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

2010-05-28T08:49:00.001-07:00

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Good day today! We started our five-day weekend today, so I got to sleep in late. We went to see Henry VIII at the Globe for only 5 pounds, which was great. It was a pretty good show. They actually opened the run of the show with our performance, so we were their first audience. I was mostly pleased with the performance. There were some pretty fanastic actors who were big and showy, but still totally emotionally grounded and connected, which made their showiness totally work. It was refreshing to see that after some bad showiness in The Lion King a couple weeks ago.

The show itself was interesting. I had never read or seen it, but enjoyed seeing the story on stage. I am curious to know how Shakespeare got away with writing and performing it back in that day; it was awfully critical of the Court and Church.

After, half of our group went to see John Mayer and Scott and I went to Jersey Boys. We went to the theater, got 5th row seats for a great price and then went to get Chinese food in Chinatown, which was really close (the theater is in Soho). It was really quite good. I enjoyed the dinner a whole lot. I am really glad that Scott and I have gotten to be friends on this trip. He's a different kind of friend than I've had in a long time and I'm really grateful for him. He is super grounded and down-to-earth, but also can get down and have a good time, which is really great. We can have really great conversations, but he also has no problem being light-hearted. He is a really great friend for me to have.

Anyway, Jersey Boys. Talk about a disappointment! Holy cow, it was so half-hearted. The music was good, the singing, good, but the actors did NOT “go there.” I was really irritated. They just never really peeked in terms of energy and never really got to where the show asks them to go. I was really looking forward to seeing the show after having such a good experience in Chicago, but they really let me down. And they definitely had the potential to do it. So I'm only two for four as far as good shows on West End goes. Pretty disappointing, really. I noticed something today, actually: most of the musicals on West End right now are mere crowd-pleasers. The shows themselves have very little heart. Most of them are shows like Jersey Boys, Mama Mia, Lion King, and the like. I certainly think there is a place for those shows, but they also need grounded shows that have real heart.

After the show, we came back to the flate and I dilly dallied about for a while and now I'm here. Pretty enjoyable day.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

2010-05-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Cool day today. Class this morning was really intense. We went through the most notable British composers of the 19th and early part of the 20th centuries, including CHH Parry, Charles Stanford, Edward Elgar, Herbert Howells, Gerald Finzi, and Benjamin Britten.

The most notable composer/piece from the day for me was Elgar's “There is Sweet Music.” It is a piece that is written in one key for the women and another for the men. The effect is absolutely incredible. I was just totally blown away as we listened to it in class. It is a must-have in my opinion. The poetry, by Tennyson, speaks of music bringing sleep and by the end of the piece, the listener is almost guaranteed to be at total piece, and if given the option, would probably nod off.

Another incredible piece was Howells' requiem. Concert Choir did the first movement of it last year, “Salvator Mundi.” It was a really cool piece then and I really enjoyed it, but I had no idea it was such an amazing piece till today. It completely wowed me. Another must-have.

And the last was Finzi's “Lo, the Full, Final Sacrifice.” Finzi is an absolute genius. He has such a way with rhythms that it makes it sound like there is no time signature and the choir simply knows when and how to move together at the exact same time. I noticed this in one of the pieces we sang this year in Singers, “Wherefore Tonight, so Full of Care.” He is masterful.

After class, I came home, made some lunch, and headed off to Tate Modern Art Museum. There was some really fantastic stuff there. There was, of course, a lot of stuff I didn't understand, but those things, I feel, give me such an opportunity to discover what the artist was thinking.

Today in class, someone made a comment that he connected emotionally much more easily with the 19th and 20th century composers' music. Dr. Staheli offered the explanation that the reason for that was that as music was becoming more and more contemporary, the composers had many more colors and musical ideas to choose from than earlier composers from the classical and baroque eras, so they could paint emotions much more easily. Perhaps we connect with the pieces because they better mirror modern thinking than older music. Anyway, having had that discussion in class, I think I discovered why I enjoy modern art so much—they have so many more media, ideologies, and colors (figuratively and literally) from which to choose. That makes their art, I feel, much more emotionally connected...or communicative. I feel like they can better express themselves because they have so much more on their palette they can use.

Anyway, I reinforced my affinity for Gerhard Richter, as well as a few other artists I've seen before, but whose names I do not presently remember. It was a really cool experience to go there. I loved going by myself; I think museums (shouldn't the plural of museum be musea? Medium → media, museum--> musea?) should be done alone because everyone has very different interests and preferences and moves at different paces. It's just too hard to please everyone and their likings, etc.

I had to leave the Tate a little early to get to the Holst Singers' concert of the Bach Motets at Temple Church (da Vinci Code). I was disappointed because I didn't get to see the entire museum and was really enjoying myself. I'll most likely go back another day.

The concert was really pretty good. I enjoyed it quite a bit. I meant to write this last week, but Bach is really redeeming the Baroque period for me. His choral stuff is really fantastic. There is tons going on all the time, but I no longer see it as just frills and superfluousness (osity?). Now that we have analyzed his music a bit, it makes much more sense to me and I can now understand what he was trying to do with his music. His cello stuff also is fantastic. The choir had a cellist playing the bass (vocal) line the entire time, in addition to the organ, and they broke up the motets with pieces from the Back Cello Suites, which I absolutely loved. The cellist was fantastic. Such a good Baroque player, though I thought his tempos in his first set made him a bit inarticulate and slightly sloppy.

I am starting to really enjoy the English choral sound. There is just so much color to it. Scott and I were talking about it today and we decided it is because they are so unafraid and are willing to take risks with their sound. In the States, many people in choirs are in choirs not because they are extraordinary musicians or soloists, but because they want to make music in a friendly atmosphere. Scott said today “you know, we are not as good as we think we are. We have the potential to be as good as we think we are, but we are not there yet.” And I agree with him. Many people back off of their own individual sound so they can blend into the choir. Blending is so important—don't get me wrong. But like I wrote about the Tallis Scholars earlier, I think creating a fusion of voices by singing into the blend is more important. And that takes guts to do. You have to really go out onto a limb, with your own sound, to do it. I started doing that toward the end of the year and as I listen to our recordings, I can tell a difference in our sectional sound. And frankly, I like it more!

Anyway, Scott, Michelle, and I stopped on our way home at this fantastic dessert place and got some ridiculously decadent desserts that basically blew my mind.

Then we watched “Stranger than Fiction.” Blessedly good film. Can't help but love Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffmann.

Whoah, that was a long blog entry. Hope you liked it.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

2010-05-27T17:37:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, May 26, 2010

Great day today!

We were supposed to go to Canterbury today, but as we were about to pull out on the bus, the driver realized that the bus was overheating, so we had to deboard.

Here is where the day got great: our program directors, Sister Hall, Dr. Staheli, and their assistant, Nathan, immediately went to work on what we could do to make sure the day wasn't wasted. Luckily, we were actually right next to the London eye, so they paid in total for all 40ish of us to go on the eye, while they saw about the possibility of us seeing a play called “War Horse,” which is apparently a fantastic show. So we did the Eye, which was pretty cool. Not mind-blowing, but fairly interesting. Perhaps I was distracted by the fact that my stomach was really hurting. But is was cool nonetheless. And the fact that it was free made it worth it.

Anyway, while we were up on the Eye (the Eye is a giant ferriswheel-like thing (135 m high) that sits on the other side of the Thames River from Parliament and Big Ben and it gives you a super good view of the city), the program directors found out there were only four tickets available for “War Horse,” so they bagged the idea and instead gave us 40lbs to see any show of our liking! What?! SO cool!

I was so impressed with our directors selflessness in our situation today. They so easily could have said “ok, bag the day; go have fun,” but instead they went to great lengths to ensure we had a blastedly wonderful day. I am sure they were eager to have a bit of a break, but instead worked through the temptation to make sure we could still have a great day. So awesome. It's no surprise that they do these kind of things—they show their care for us so readily in class and in everyday situations, but their kindness and thoughtfulness still amaze me. Truly blessed people.

So everyone went off to their respective adventures, while I came home to sleep, hoping that would get rid of my tummy ache. I slept for a while, but it didn't really help all that much. So after lying around a while, I decided I could feel cruddy at home or I could feel cruddy while having fun.

I had made plans with Scott, Michelle, and Kim to go back to Cellar Door (musical theater open mic bar) and before that I was going to meet roommate Chris and friend Haley to see Legally Blonde the musical. So I went to get sheet music for singing later tonight and then while I was wandering around the Covent Garden area, I ran into roommate Matt, who accompanied me to Legally Blonde theater, when we promptly found out that the theater was having an irregular black night. Matt and I were late there, so we missed Chris and Haley. So we made our way instead to the “Billy Elliot” theater.

“Billy Elliot” was a super good show. I was really impressed with quite a bit of it. I felt like the show had a lot of heart and a lot of the performers were really in it to truly give of themselves. I was really happy with that. I felt like at times the show sold out to the fact that it was a musical and that many musical-attending audiences just want a pretty, fun song and a dance and they'll be happy. But that wasn't true to the rest of the show or the story. It bugs me that so many musical-attending audiences just want happy-go-lucky crap. That's not life; sorry, folks. I think that may be why I don't like so many of the classic shows—they portray some life that really is not true to reality and I just have a really hard time connecting with them emotionally because they aren't grounded. And frankly, I believe those are the shows that give musical theater a bad name.

Alas, I digress. Back to Billy Elliot. Really great show. I was SO impressed with Billy's teacher. She was a FANTASTIC actress and performer. Yeah, she was a great singer and dancer, but her acting is really what got me. I think just about anyone can learn to dance and sing, but to go where she went with her acting takes not only skill and training, but it takes a certain type of person. She was so in-control of her emotions and was so well-acquainted with them that she could truly bare her soul on stage and it such a beautiful thing. I absolutely loved watching her do it; it was extraordinary. And oddly enough, she looked DEAD ON one of the acting faculty at BYU—Stephanie Breinholt. It was actually kind of uncanny, really. There were a few other actors that were really quite good, including Billy's brother. He was really awesome. I guess it was simply rare for me to see real vulnerability out of the characters, but the few who did go there emotionally really made the rest of the show pretty great. And frankly, the show can stand on its own two feet with just the singing and dancing, but the vulnerability of the characters just gives it so much more depth.

After the show, Matt and I parted ways. I headed to Cellar Door, only to find none of my friends, so I walked down the bank of the Thames, taking night photos of the Eye, Big Ben, and Parliament. I got some really cool ones about which I am pretty excited. And then home.

Monday, May 24, 2010

2010-05-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 24, 2010

Can I just say that I love this? Because I do, dangit! This is GREAT.

This morning, we went to another rehearsal of the BBC Singers. This time they were doing a piece that fit them much better than the other day. It was a 16 part piece by a Scottish composer named James McMillan. It was extremely dissonant and extremely beautiful. I wish I knew real terms to describe it. It was contemporary and dissonant and beautiful.

We had a Q&A session with the producer of the Singers, which was really informative and fun. I enoyed it quite a bit. The rest of the Singers came in after a while and they rehearsed a few more pieces. I really enjoyed the rehearsal far more than I did last week's because this time, the Singers used a much different timbre in their voices, which was actually conducive to the pieces they were singing. It was pleasantly refreshing and surprising. Loved it.

After the rehearsal, we ate lunch at the BBC cafe, there in the studio where they were rehearsing and then headed to the Science museum, which was a pretty fun, interactive museum. I've discovered that I learn by doing. Reading to learn, except for when it's about the gospel, is maily boring. I find myself not caring about much of what I read, unfortunately. But when I do it, it clicks and makes sense and I love it. Anyway, that's why I like interactive museums; because I can do in the learning and it makes it come alive to me.

After the science museum, Heidi and I went grocery shopping, brought our things back to the flats and headed off to a rehearsal by the London Philharmonic Choir. It was....mediocre. What I did love about it was that they invited us to sing with them. There is a surprising lack of singing on this study abroad and I really miss it. Every once in a while, I'll break out into song on the street and it just feels so good! Anyway, singing with the choir was just great fun, even if it wasn't great music or great singers around me.

After the rehearsal, Michelle, Scott, the two Roberts and I all went to a Dutch pancake house, where they have a 5 pound any pancake on Mondays deal. It was fantastic. I got a chicken curry with mango chutney pancake, followed by a cinnamon pear desert pancake. Yummy stuff.

Then back home to skyp with mom. It was SUPER good to talk to her. I've missed her. Love her tons. She's about the best mom anyone could ever hope for. I'm super grateful for her.

Off.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

2010-05-24T17:12:00.001-07:00

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Restful day today. Love those. I woke up around 9ish and went with some of the students, along with the program directors, to the sung Eucharist at St. Paul's Cathedral, which was supposed to start at 11:00AM, but started at 11:30 instead. We had planned on going to Sacrament meeting at 1:00PM at the singles' ward, but that didn't quite work out, since it ended at 1:25. So, I decided I could either go to Sunday School....orrrrrrrr.....go home and rest and catch up on blogging. I chose the latter. And did not regret it.

The Eucharist was interesting. It was a brand new mass by Francis Grier, so it was uber contemporary. I mostly enjoy contemporary music, but this mass went a little too far for my liking. Emily Workman said, “it was like he said, 'hey let's make something that could be pretty beautiful and make it the most digusting thing in the world.'” While I didn't totally agree with her, and actually thought there were moments that were pretty amazing, I did see her point. I was later talking with Jonathan Evans (who reminds me so much of Loren Thomas it's not even funny) about the piece and he described a discussion he had in one of his classes about the definition of “good music,” all musical elements put aside. They came to the conclusion that “good music” is music that fulfills the purpose of its creation (remiscent of some other text we know?). Anyway, he purpose of a mass is worship, from the points of view of the composer, the performers, and most importantly, the congregation members. This mass, I felt, went beyond the mark. Even we, as choral nerds, had a hard time connecting with the music of the mass. We couldn't even imagine what the other people, who were just wanting to attend some kind of Sunday service at St. Paul's were thinking. It was just so disjunct and dissonant, without much direction to the dissonance. I have nothing against dissonance, and even enjoy it quite a bit, but like I said, this dissonance wasn't really going anywhere. It was interesting that the choir would have a part where it seemed to be going a certain direction and then some combination of one to four of the soloists would come in and halt their chord progression. It was a tough mass to connect with. However, I did really like the Agnus Dei a lot. The rest of the mass was.....meh.

One absolute highlight to the mass was a big black guy about 3 rows ahead of us who was so into the mass that no one could stop or interrupt his thought pattern. It was especially evident in the congrationally sung hymns, when he would sing the entire last verse, full voice, operatically, in the treble octave, and would finish it by singing the last note fortississimo. I especially loved it when the piece would end on an 'a' and he would end on an 'f.' I swear, it was his favorite note. And I have never heard such oscillating, forced vibratto in my life. My favorite was the last hymn we sang, when it ended on the word “Lord.” I could see him preparing for that ending consonant from 10 miles away; first, he was actually on the 'a'; he had that vibratto going like a fat kid eating chocolate cake; his eyes were cutting diamonds in some far distant universe; jaw tense; lips forming some awesomely fantastic funnel shape; that guy was going for broke, man. It was fantastic. And then that 'd' consonant—whoah dang, child, WATCH OUT! I'm pretty sure the choir got the specks of spit coming from his mouth. That guy was not kidding about praising his Lord.

As Steve put it “you know, I wish people could tell as clearly that I was so devout and concetrated in my worship.” He said, “you know, during some Sacrament meetings, you've got your grocery list going through your mind: 'Oh crap, I forgot to buy mustard.' Well, that guy does NOT have mustard on his mind!” And it was true—no doubt about that; that guy was clearly in the moment and his mind was on the Lord, snagdabbit. Pretty dang good entertainment. Emily and I were dying nearly the entire service and were glad to have been there. Good, good stuff.

The rest of the day was chill. We came home and I blogged for Friday and Saturday and hung out with people the rest of the day. Super pleasant.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

2010-05-23T16:54:00.001-07:00

Saturday, May 22, 2010

London day today. After a fairly sleepless night last night (eight of us in a hostel room), I slept most of the way to London and then hit the sack for a while before meeting up with my friend, Kim, from the singles ward here. We went to Camden, this huge street market, which actually reminded me a bit of 25 de Marco, for you people who know what that is in Sao Paulo. It was really a HUGE place with SO much STUFF. It had regular stores, but also had a ton of small street vendors and small shops in crazy warehouse building-like structures. Tons of people, tons of stuff.

Then off to a really awesome part of London whose name I totally forget. It reminded me a lot of Hyde Park in Cincinnati quite a bit, actually. It was just super classy and quaint. It took quite a while to get there, but we walked and were active, so we felt pretty good about ourselves. It was a pretty dang hot day yesterday, so I was sweating most of the day. That, combined with walking, made me feel like a missionary again. We went through a park from which we could see the entire city. It was pretty extraordinary; I want to go there one day for the sunset. Too bad that all my evenings are taken up with attending rehearsals, concerts, or some other show of my own choosing (there is so much I want to see here!). Anyway, because it was such a beautiful, sunny day, the park was PACKED. There were probably upwards of four or five thousand people at this park where we were, which was probably about the size of Julifs Park (for you Cincinnatians) or Kiwanas Park (for you Provites).

After seeing that for a while we walked for a LONG time to some tube station to go to Brick Lane for Indian food. On this one street in Brick Lane, there are about 20 or 30 Indian restaurants, so you simply walk down the street and see what kind of deal you can get, and eventually go with the best one. Pretty cool stuff. We ended up at some place that was pretty good. Not a super fancy venue, but good food. I got shrimp chichinga. Chichinga is a green, squash-like plant from India that is prepared in a pretty spicy way. I liked it a lot.

We then tried to go to a musical theater sheet music shop in Covent Garden, which was unfortunately closed by the time we got there, much to our dismay. But I looked in and they seemed to have anything and everything musical theater ever created. I'm excited to go back.

Then I went off and met up with our group at a concert by the Ealing Choral Society. It was...lackluster. They were simply a very unprofessional group and they were quite sloppy. I was amazed at how little they filled up the space, compared with how the Tallis Scholars did a couple weeks ago (it was in the same venue—Cadogan Hall). I really don't feel like writing about all the things that bugged me, so I don't think I will. I will say this though: when someone really uses their voice, it truly is arresting. One of the soloists was really quite good and she kept me awake during the second half pretty well. I attribute that in large part to the fact that she was singing on the breath and was really using all the voice she had in her. It was fantastically refreshing after listening to the choir behind her. Even the orchestra wasn't playing “on the breath.” I remember when I played the cello the day I learned how to really play the instrument and get the true, rich, beautiful sound out of the cello. It was thrilling. The same thing happened last year in my singing. All of the sudden, using those instruments was just so thrilling because of the beautiful sound I could produce.

Anway, then back to here for the rest of the evening. I'm tuckered.

Friday, May 21, 2010

2010-05-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 21,2010

Wow. I tell you what sir, wow.

Well, here we are in Brighton, southern England. We don't have class today and we only have a concert tomorrow evening back in London, so we thought we would take a little trip down here to Brighton and see what it is all about. Scott and Michelle came down here in the week they had before the study abroad started.
The weather today is absolutely gorgeous—75 degrees and sunny. Quite the rarity for England. We (Danny Gray, Chris Buttars, Michelle, Scott, Jessica Jardine, Jonny Litster, Robert McClellan, and I) left this morning from the flats at about 7:20 and caught a bus down here to Brighton. Upon arriving here, we went looking for a bathing suit for Jessica. I got the basic feel for the town while we were doing that. I really liked it, actually. Well, I suppose that “actually” is not necessarily the right word, since I've been in love with pretty much every town I've seen on this trip.

Anyway, the town is situated on hills descending down to the sea, separating France and England and reminds me of most European beach towns I've seen in films and the like. Tight alleyways meander from street to street, most of them packed with stores, cafes, restaurants, pubs, etc. The streets have little rhyme or reason to the way they are set up (or at least not that I could tell). People, mostly tourists, from what I could tell, litter the streets and shops, eating food, buying clothes and souvenirs, large quantities of alcohol and cigarettes, and probably drugs, given the night life we later saw. In spite of all those last few purchases, Brighton was really quite a quaint beach town. I really liked it.

After shopping around a bit, we headed to the beach to meet up with Jonnie, Scott, and Robert. The beach actually didn't have any sand—rocks instead—but I liked it no less. Luckily, the rocks were mostly small, so when we lay down on them, they conformed to our body shape and it was actually pretty comfortable. We spent a good four or five hours lying around on the beach, talking, playing games, hopping briefly into the water (oh my cold! I just looked up the water temperature and the average for the month of May is 52 degrees), and people watching. It was super pleasant and relaxing. I often play pretty hard, so it was pretty refreshing to kick back a bit. After a while, we packed up our things and hit the town. We were going to tour a palace of a prince who had entirely too much money, but decided it didn't look worth our money.

So we went off to wander the town, exploring all those alleyways we had previously seen. Among them was a REALLY cool armor shop that had armor and weapons from just about any period of wartime imaginable. It was really cool.

Today was Scott and Michelle's six month mark of being together, so they wanted some alone time. We split up for a bit and got dinner separately. Chris, Danny, Jessica, and I went to a cheap little pub and had really fun, pleasant conversation for a good two hours before heading out to find a hostel to sleep in and meet up with the rest of the group. Scott and Michelle wanted to go to the pier and do carnival-like activities and we wanted to see Robin Hood, so we split up for a while with plans to meet up after the film.

And I am happy to report that it was quite a good film! It was about all the story leading up to Robin Hood being....Robin Hood. But no actual robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. It was pretty long, but packed with action and drama and I believe a promise of at least a sequel, perhaps two.

Anyway, upon leaving the theater, I came out alone because I had to use the bathroom (or “toilet” as they say here) and came out at the entrance of a club. That's where the beginning line of this blog comes from (“Wow. I tell you what, sir—wow.”). Let's just say that Babylon is alive and well. Suddenly, night life in Brighton had just exploded and it was no longer a quaint, pleasant beach town, but rather a buzz of late teens and young adults heading to clubs. I was amazed to find very few people above the age of 25 wandering the streets. Anyway, the immodesty of the girls was incredible. Most were drunk as they wandered from club to club, and I'm guessing some were high as well, given what we had heard of Brighon when we were in Cambridge yesterday.

Seeing all of them was pretty dang humorous. There were quite a few shouting matches between couples, followed quickly by make-up (make-out) sessions. Writing about it now actually makes me pretty sad for them and the state of the world, but at the time, it was pretty funny. We decided the enterainment was good, so we went wandering about the town for a while, people watching. We wandered around on the streets, making sure the girls were close to us at all times and then headed down to the beach, where two girls from Essex overheard us speaking and immediately became obsessed with us, by virtue of our being American.

So we talked with them for a while and then headed back out on the town for more entertainment. We decided to go to a pub just to see what it was like and it was basically as we had expected: loud music, lots of alcohol (heavens, it smelled in there), but without all the nasty dancing, actually. I guess if we had gone to a proper club, we would have seen some of that.

Anyway, after wandering around a bit, we finally found a place to sleep and called it a night. And here I am now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

2010-05-20T15:18:00.001-07:00

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Cambridge today. Oh, it was fantastic!! I loved it so, so much. Yet another place I could live. I maybe even liked it even more than I did Oxford. Things in Cambridge seemed a bit more spread out, which I really liked. I also thought the architecture had a bit more diversity—in structure, materials, and color.

We started our visit to the town by punting on the Cam River. We were really pretty pathetic punters, but it was really fun and totally relaxing. The river was narrow and slow, with trees canopying it most of the way down, with the exception of a few openings, where there were lusciously green grass lawns leading up to the quadrangles of Cambridge's respective colleges. The colleges' architecture was so purely historical and beautiful. Simply put, it was the most romantic place I've ever seen.

After punting, Michelle, Scott, Jessica, Robert, Nick and I went wandering about the city, which has turned into our (Michelle, Scott, and my) favorite thing to do when we're in new cities.

After the wandering, we went to the Trinity College's rehearsal and Evensong. I LOVED that choir. They had that colorful, ringy British sound, but no murkiness. They had a lightness and brightness to them, while still maintaining the grounding in the sound. They of course were not flawless, but they were my favorite choir thus far, aside from Tallis and Sixteen.

The first piece they did was Arvo Part's Nunc Dimitus, which totally blew me away. I had never heard it (though I have heard a ton of other pieces by him) and it was one of the most exquisite pieces I've heard in a long time. It may have had something to do with the fact that I have been hearing mainly Renaissance and Baroque period pieces, but it sure was incredible stuff. I asked Dr. Staheli the other day if there would be any chance of us doing Part this year and he said it wouldn't be likely. Sad day. I had really hoped I would get a crack at some of his pieces, but it looks like it won't be the case.

I also really enjoyed a Paulus piece they did as well. I had never head of him, but am excited to get to know him.

Alright, off to get the laundry and get ready to go to Brighton in the morning.

Wednesday, May 19 2010

2010-05-19T17:19:00.001-07:00

Wednesday. May 19, 2010

Great day today. We had class, where we discussed and analyzed a bit of the Bach motets very quickly. It was a bit of a whirlwind, since I'm not terribly advanced musically. We did that because tonight, we went to a rehearsal of the Holst Singers. More on that later.

After class, we rushed off to a matinee for Les Mis. The theatre was a bit harder to find than we would have liked it to be, but that may have been due to our own stupidity more than any kind of complicated route to arrive there.

The show was great. I was really quite impressed with most of the cast, except for Marius. He literally sounded like a goat at times. Whenever he got angsty, he clenched down his jaw, produced some false vibratto, and nasalized the sound. It was ugly. Eponine was especially fantastic. She had an incredibly open resonance and was just so relaxed. It was an incredibly healthy belt. And she was just so emotionally connected. All of her vocals were super good, except for “On My Own,” ironically enough. She got a little too angsty and it was more like yelling than belting. However, the only reason I could excuse her faulty vocals on that song was that she was literally crying at the end of the song. She turned into a totally different character for me. Eponine had always been a whiny, “feel bad for me” character, but with this actress, she became a real person with feelings on the offensive, rather than the victim. It was really a great piece of acting. And she was really cute. That had no influence on my liking her....

The last time I saw the show, I think I was 15 or 16 and while I appreciated it then, both for the theatrical and musical elements and the storyline, I definitely didn't appreciate it at the level I did today. In the program, there was a quote from Victor Hugo about the people in the world—who are so many—who are alone, destitute, hopeless, and how they can still change their lives. The characters' stories were each so gripping as we watched them change and grow: Valjean, Fantine, Javert, Eponine. I loved watching Valjean's journey and how he infused hope into all those around him simply by loving them. Such a powerful lesson.

After some dinner, we headed over to a church for the Holst Singers' rehearsal of the Bach motets. I actually really liked the Holst Singers' sound. In fact, I liked them more than I did the BBC Singers, which is a fully professional choir. Holst had a much lighter, brighter sound, yet still grounded. They had a lot of height and loft to their sound, in addition to the ringy, pingy sound. It was quite the lively sound. Loved it. And the Bach motets were thrilling! Especially Komm, Jesu, Komm. I highly recommend you check it out on youtube, if not on a professional recording. The choir was about 30-40 people in total, and their balance was pretty good. However, like so many of these British choirs, I once again found the alto section lacking. Often, it was like a three-part choir. Altos of the world, man-up and blasted sing. You are not second-class citizens; you have beautiful instruments and you should use them proudly. No overkill, but play your part.

And then back here for a chill evening.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

2010-05-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fabulous day! We went to a rehearsal of the BBC Singers, directed by Bob Chilcott (member of the original King's Singers). They were rehearsing for their recording session later this week, when they will record a bunch of stuff by Samuel Barber. Oh yeah, and this was their only rehearsal for the session. That's just how they do things here in the choral world here! It's unbelievable. They are just incredible sight readers. And the fact is that it shows on their recordings. Very few recordings of British choirs are nice and polished. If you listen to Polyphony's recording of Eric Whitacre's choral stuff and then listen to the BYU Singers' recordings of the same pieces, not only will you notice a difference in sound (which is a HUGE one), you will also notice a difference in the...cleanliness of the recording. We spend so much more time perfecting and polishing things, whereas if they simply get the notes right (they automatically include the dynamics written in the music), they are pretty much set to go. Yeah, there are some dynamic contrasts, but they mostly happen only as written in the music. Anyway, it is really incredible the level at which they sight read. I only wish I could do half as well as they do in the sight reading world. I have focused so much of my training on tone that much of the rest of my musicality has suffered. It's now catching up, but it is surely a slow process.

Anyway, here are some of my notes from the rehearsal:

- TONS of vibratto - makes the sections more separate and distinct, instead of homogeneous and blended.
- Sure on this Shining Night (Barber) - While there is too much vibratto, I really like the basic sound the choir makes for this piece.
- The Monk and his Cat (Barber) - too dark, heavy of a sound for this piece.
- if they lightened/brightened, chords would come to life, but because of the weight, the chords become murky and cloudy (see Polyphony's recording of Whitacre's stuff).
- it's not bad right now, but it's simple not as lively as it could be.
- I like the alto sound - not enough volume, but it is much better blended with the sopranos than other professional choirs.
- they get bored if they have more than a couple rehearsals on a piece?! Craziness.
- Unlike other British directors, Bob Chilcott actually has real icti! Oh the art of conducting!
- "Under the Willowtree" - fun operatic part; sweet rhythms. Singers did it a couple years ago--I want to check it out.
- "Praise Him" - has to have HUGE "p" on "praise" or it literally sounds like "raise."
- I love that Bob Chilcott took the time to inform us about a few of the things having to do with the pieces. It helped us connect more more to the choir and the pieces. In fact, I am SUPER impressed with the warmth and openness of the British people in general. They are incredibly friendly and haven't got the slightest bit of a problem striking a conversation with just about anyone. It's really refreshing and I feel like we Americans have a great deal to learn from them.

After the rehearsal, I headed out with roommate Chris, Heidi (dear, wonderful friend to whom I've grown pretty close on this trip), Caitlin, Heather, and Emily to take the audio tour of Westminster Abbey. It was great. There is just so much history that has happened in that building. Everybody who's been anybody in British history is either buried or honored by a sculpture of sorts in the abbey. It is an amazing piece of architecture. I really loved it. We went into one area of the abbey, off in a wind called the Chapel House, I believe, where there were the most incredible acoustics I think I've ever heard. I have never been in a more ALIVE place in all my life. It was AMAZING. Just humming, you could hear the note resonating for about 3 seconds after you hummed it. We decided we would “ooo” a few hymns in there and it just sounded so GOOD!! It was such simple music, but the harmonies really sprang to life and the sound was so full, even though we were singing as quietly as we possibly could. It was funny—after we stopped, a woman who had walked in after had started approached us after we had finished and told us she thought the music was some recording to add to the ambience of the chapel. Another funny thing that happened there was that we kept on telling each other we needed to leave, but it took us three or four hymns to finally get out of there because we were so addicted to the lively sound the chapel could produce. We were sad we were all in different choirs and didn't have any real pieces we could sing together. Perhaps at some future date, I'll head there with some renaissance group and do some fun stuff. I really don't think I've loved singing in a space so much as I did in there.

After the Abbey, Christ and I wandered a bit and got some dinner at a Portuguese restaurant before heading back to the Abbey for a concert by the Abbey choir. They did Vivaldi's Gloria, as well as Handel's Dixit Dominus. I enjoyed the Gloria, but once again, it was more of the Baroque. There were parts, however, that were simply exquisite. And those boy sopranos and altos....GAH. They are SO good. Man, when they are good, they are GOOD. Wow. I found the the Dixit a bit more pleasing to my ear—it was a bit more down-to-earth, so I liked that a bit more. It was a bit frustrating because we were actually behind the choir, behind a screen, so we could neither hear, nor see very well. Oh well.

After the concert, Michelle, Scott and I went to a musical theater open-mic bar, where we met up with a friend from the singles ward here, as well as a friend who is on the theatre study abroad here. The bar really had a FUN atmosphere and I really liked how positive everyone was. I sang two songs-- “Moving too Fast,” from L5Y and “The Old Red Hills of Home,” from Parade—both by Jason Robert Brown. It was a really great place, so we'll probably go back next week and jam it up a bit more.

Ok, I made up for yesterday today, so I have written about four pages double-spaced. I'm now starting to write everything twice because apparently my hands are falling asleep and can now no longer hit the correct keys. To the bed.

Monday, May 17, 2010

2010-05-18T18:50:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 17, 2010

Coming off of a week when we saw the Sixteen and Tallis Scholars AND went to Oxford all in a seven day period of time, it's a little bit of a let-down going back to class. Class is really fun and I love learning about the music we are hearing, but I'm pretty sure I'm a bit ADD and therefore have a pretty hard time sitting still for about three hours. But Dr. Staheli and Sister Hall are quite good at lecturing and they keep it pretty interactive, so I really like it almost all the time. I also really like analyzing and learning the history behind all the pieces.

There is SO much history behind choral music in England! I loved learning last week about William Byrd and how he wrote mainly for the Catholic Church, but when Henry VIII shut down that whole operation, Byrd still wanted to write music in the Catholic tradition, so he wrote masses for as many people as would be in their underground meetings that week. So we ended up with a Mass for 3 voices, one for four voices, and one for 5 voices. And actually his mass for three voices is one of my favorite pieces out there. It's so simple, but it has some gorgeous lines to it.

So today was a chill, recovery day. I've been a tourist for about two and a half weeks now, and I decided I needed a break. So after class, I just came back to the flat, made a simple lunch and hit the sack for about an hour and a half, after which I read the skips (can I tell you how much I love 2 Nephi 28?!?!) and edited some photos. More photos on facebook to come soon.

Overall, the afternoon was really wonderful and it felt great to just recup(erate) a bit.

We went to a rehearsal of the London Bach Choir tonight, directed by David Hill, where they were doing Bach's B Minor Mass, as well as a bit of Brahms' Requiem. There are parts of the B Minor Mass that I like, but speaking in general, Baroque is a bit too....frilly for me. Even most of the architecture from that era is a bit “too much” for me. Everything is just so blasted ornate and excessive in my opinion. Don't get me wrong—I think there are plenty of beautiful things from that period, but in a general sense, that is my opinion. So, when they started doing Brahams' romantic era stuff, it was much easier to take in.

Today was a really great day for a bit simple recuperation and regrouping. I am convinced that there are not many things in life that cannot be solved by some good scripture study and sleep. And today was proof. Life is good.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

2010-05-16T17:31:00.002-07:00

Good Sabbath today. A packed Sabbath. Great scott. They certainly make sure we have enough to do around here. We headed out to Oxford for Church pretty early, where we met with the Oxford Ward and sang in their Sacrament Meeting. We sang the text of “I Heard the Voice of Jesus Say” to an arrangement of the tune of “If you Could Hie to Kolob” and an arrangement of “I Stand All Amazed.” It brought a really nice spirit to the meeting and the ward was really so appreciative of our singing. It was a really great experience. We then had a pleasant munch 'n mingle with the ward, where we got to know the ward a bit more. They were really just so warm, hospitable and welcoming to us. I really loved it. There was a Brazillian family from Rio who has lived there for six years, so it was really fun to speak to them in Portuguese. I love Brazillians. They are just so fun.

We then rehearsed a bit and then headed to Evensong. It was as we expected—not terribly wonderful, but still a good experience. We had drinks (sherry for them, orange juice for us) with them and ate with them. They were really warm and welcoming as well. I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

On the ride back, I sat next to one of my new friends who got me talking and I came to the realization that I am scared to seek out help. I am scared of being dependent on other people, so I distract myself from my difficulties and tell myself I'll figure things out on my own instead of facing them and figuring them out. And usually things do work themselves out on their own in the back of my head—most of the time because it's simply not that big of a deal and if I just let it cool down or work itself out or whatever the case may be, things get to a stable point on their own. But this week was one of those times when I was feeling particularly lonely and should have sought out help of some sort. However, because I have gotten in this habit of not seeking out that help when I need it, I still didn't.

I have always been so independent that most people don't ever really worry about taking care of me, and 99% of the time, I don't really need it, but I actually did need it this week. I have been having a hard time feeling like I have really good, true friends lately because I haven't been able to really connect with too many people since Ashley and that has led to a bit of loneliness. I fear I am now at the point that I am too prideful to realize that I need help and if I do, I am not sure I would ask for that help. So, I think I am going to do some hard praying and thinking and see what I can do to humble myself a bit and better diagnose when I need that help.

And then there is another part of me that says that perfect love overcometh all fear. Insecurities, I think, arise from fear, ultimately. And if I can love God with all I have and love those around me with real charity, then all of those things can be overcome.

It's late. I'm mostly past the point of coherence. Good night.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

2010-05-16T17:31:00.001-07:00

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Our second day at Oxford. We started the day off with a little rehearsal for our Sacrament meeting performance tomorrow before heading off to Oxford. It felt SO good to sing in a real ensemble! I have been missing it so much and it was such a release to produce good, healthy sound that could fuse with other's beauty to create something entirely beautiful and uplifting. Singing just feels so wonderful! As we use our God-given instruments in the correct way, it is is astounding the things we can produce.

Then out to Oxford we went. We were pretty much free the entire day, so Scott, Michelle and I went off on our own and wandered the town. I have been needing some new headshots, so as we wandered, we would stop at random places we felt had good backgrounds and lighting, we would stop and snap a few photos. If you want to see them, go on facebook and check them out.

I am totally in love with that city! Everywhere I walked there it was like I was walking through some 19th century university town. Some of the things that amazed me most were (1) how incredibly clean it was and (2) how GORGEOUS it was. It totally blew me away. I was beside myself. I loved the narrow passageways and tall, OLD buildings; the green, luscious grass outside the buildings; the immaculate courtyards in all of the buildings; the quaint shops; that 15,000 of the 150,000-person city commutes by bike to work and school—everything! It is just such a wonderful place.

We went to Evensong at New College, which is a boys choir that won a Grammy a couple of years ago for their recording of the Bach Cantatas. Those boys were fantastic singers. It struck me particularly amazing that little 8 and 9 year-old boys could concentrate for such extended periods of time and remain well-behaved through all the rehearsal. Their voices, as everyone says, had such such a pure and effortless sound to them. They just soared in their ranges and could stay up in the rafters or hours on end. It really was amazing to hear them do it.

And they were so musical! They were doing advanced tuning things with their voices and were making some extraordinary music. They did some very tough repertoire and really nailed it pretty dang well. I was highly impressed. One of the things I really like about the choir was that there weren't any parts sticking out. Earlier in the week, I wrote about the Tallis Scholars and The Sixteen and how I was a bit irritated that the sopranoes stuck out a bit from the texture. But in this choir, the balance was there. And I loved hearing the well-balanced choir because they sang and moved as if they were one body. It was really quite refreshing.

Then back on to the buses and headed back to London.

Friday, May 14, 2010

2010-05-14T15:34:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 14, 2010

So we headed out to Oxford on a motorcoach today for an opportunity to observe the private schools in their music teaching. We went to a POSH school where there was some really amazing teaching going on. Those kids have got some incredible equipment and facilities. Their parents pay a pretty penny for their education too, so that at least partially explains it.

We then went to rehearse with our respective choirs for Sunday's Evensong services. Our choir was not terribly prepared. In fact, we were far more prepared than they were. Dr. Staheli and Sister Hall were pretty concerned that we wouldn't be prepared enough. However, after the rehearsal, Dr. Staheli commented to Sister Hall, “we have nothing to fear.” It was good, however, to lead the section by and large. It taught me a lot about taking risks and really being a leader in the section. I really liked it and so did the guys I was singing with.

Oxford is so beautiful! I want to live there. Literally every street there is just fabulously beautiful and quaint. And everything there is so old! Holy cow, it was such a pleasure to simply walk about the streets and see all the ancient buildings. Apparently JK Rowling took much of the culture she set up in Harry Potter from the Oxbridge schooling system. And apparently on a tour we are taking of the school tomorrow, we will even see the great hall from Harry Potter. That'll be cool.

So we are heading back out there tomorrow and Sunday. I'm really excited to explore more of the city.

I've been thinking a lot about friendships today. This year has been really tough for me as far as freindships go. Because I was dating someone and was already fairly busy as it was, many of my friends stopped contacting me; if I wanted something to happen, I had to make absolutely certain that it happened because they had basically given up on me. So I spent much of the year without friends who were really, truly loyal to me. I've come on the study abroad in that basic state and I've found that people who I thought were my friends weren't really my friends and people who I never would have thought I would get close to have become some of my really good friends. Because they were willing to put themselves out there and love someone else. I see some people who are very selective about whom they love and sometimes I feel like I have to earn their love. That frustrates me. And then I think about the things I do that limit the amount of love I give to those around me and how I don't reach out to absolutely everyone around me. It is so hard to make sure every single person is feeling our love and is feeling appreciated and valued. It is so blastedly important to do that and it is a neverending process. And you have to be totally untiring in it in order to get it done—and frankly, it never really is done.

So my source of wonder right now has to do with what we should do when we give and give and give our love, but the person to whom we are giving simply does not seem to accept the love we give them. It is really hard for me when that happens. I think I too often expect to receive some reward for the things I do. And I think I expect too much. I hope I can get to the place where I can simply give and give without any expectation of something in return for that which I give. One day....

Thursday, May 13, 2010

2010-05-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Today was great on almost all accounts. We started the day out with some rehearsal for our evensong groups, which was...kind of good. I made some ok progress on our pieces, but neither I nor Dr. Staheli was terribly pleased with how far I had come. And better yet, he let me know by pulling me aside from everyone else and talking to me briefly. I felt like I had let down my mission president. My psyche took a pretty hard hit for a little while today because of it. It was hard. And I was/am a little concerned that he won't let me back into Singers after that. But I worked really hard on it tonight with Jonnie and Matt, my roommates here, so hopefully that will do the trick. I feel pretty good about what we did—we'll see.

After rehearsal we took the tube to the Westminster pier and took a boat up the Thames to Greenwich for our concert tonight with The Sixteen. We toured around the charming little town of small, winding streets of Greenwhich, including the Prime Meridian and sea, time, and astrology museums near there. It was yet another experience that furthered my frustration for going places in large groups.

And then we went off to listen to a rehearsal with The Sixteen. First we had a little discussion with the director, Harry Christophers, who spoke mainly about the ensemble's reppetiore and history. Rehearsal followed and then we had another small discussion with one of the choir members. All pretty thrilling stuff.

After a cheap, good Chinese dinner with some friends at a local diner the concert started with an incredible chant by the men outside in the lobby, resonating throughout the entire hall.

Here are some of my notes from the rehearsal and performance:

- the tenors have a low, full breath, which creates a beautiful sound, even on the pianos and when they are high, but I noticed on a different piece that when the sopranos came in with their full sound, they effectively belittled the tenors with their sound. More on the sopranos in a second.
- Everytime I try to breathe like that, I get too much meat on my sound and it sounds a bit too manly, unlike these tenors, who, because of their high placement, blend incredibly well with the altos.
- I noticed there is a bit of closing down in the back of the mouth, which puts a bit more ping in the sound, which I really like, but I am often afraid of not blending if I were to do it in Singers. Perhaps I'll try it in the fall. We'll see.
- I really liked that they put countertenors on the alto part; it beefens up the sound in terms of volume, but it also makes it a bit too masculine for my ear. This leaves the sopranos out to dry a bit with their feminine color. However, the balance is SO much better because I finally have enough alto (if I could have more of anything in my life, it would be more alto). But with the countertenors on the alto, I lost the tenor. And even with the countertenors there, the sopranos still went to town a bit too much for my liking. I would take one soprano off the list to make it a bit better balanced. So often choirs are too blasted top-heavy and the only thing you end up hearing is the sopranos. And these sopranos are positively gorgeous, but I want to hear the other parts that go with it. Both with the Tallis Scholars and The Sixteen, it almost seemed like the concert was featuring the sopranos and the rest of the choir was their back-up vocalists.
- I remember one day in Singers when we only had 6 sopranos in rehearsal and the balance I wanted was FINALLY there. I wish we could have one soprano for every two altos. That would be ideal.
- What would happen if Singers totally let loose on the breath like these choirs are doing? Wow.
- If the sopranos are high, they are forte. Does it have to be like that?
- When the baritones went up into the tenor range (above middle C), I could finally hear the notes clearly, even among the rest of the choir blasting away at their own notes. Perhaps it does take the big, grounded, connected sound I am so wary to produce.

So there are some of my notes from the concert. What a THRILLING concert. Many people walked away from the concert as I did from the Tallis Scholars. They liked the sound of the Sixteen more than the Scholars because of the roundness and softness of their voices. However, I think I ascertained why I enjoyed the Scholars more: there were fewer people in the ensemble, so they each had their own, individual, unique sounds, but in order to really make the blend happen, they had to sing into the blend, as opposed to backing off, like we are so tempted to do so often. When the Scholars did that, there was an electric fusion that would happen and it really rocked my world. The Sixteen had that ping of the Scholars in the sopranos, but it was lost in the other parts. I wanted the other parts to bring up the ping and really fuse together on the blend as opposed to simply mixing their voices. Fusion vs. mixing. That's what I'm getting at here.

They did some incredible rep at the concert. I discovered a piece I'd never heard before, which I LOVED—Miserere Nostri, by Thomas Tallis. I am working on finding a recording of the Sixteen singing it so I can have it. It was one of the most beautiful things I've ever taken in. I was blown away.

Just another INCREDIBLE, AMAZING day. This stuff feeds my soul.

Happy birthday to my dear mother! Oh, she is so fantastic. So many prayers of gratitude for her.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

2010-05-12T17:15:00.001-07:00

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Today was basically an “off” day, so we only had a bit of lecture, followed by a bit of rehearsal. We've been split up into small groups and we're going to join separate colleges for Evensong on Sunday in Oxford. My group is doing Palestrina's Exsultate Deo, which is a spritely Italian motet with some pretty tricky rhythms (I am the only tenor in the rehearsal). The notes themselves aren't terribly difficult, but I'm having to work quite a bit on my Caucasian Rhythm Disorder, which, I am happy to report, is coming along pretty well. Being in Singers this past year has been really good for me musically. I have become a much better reader, both for rhythms and notes. I still am not where I want to be, but I feel like I am making good progress.

After rehearsal, my friend, Annalee, who is on the theatre study abroad, and I went to see The Lion King. The show was quite the spectacle, and there were certainly some great moments, but I felt the production overall was fairly lackluster. I noticed I found my doubt suspended very few times, probably because the actors didn't fully believe what they were doing, and if a performer doesn't believe what he or she is doing, then of course an audience member won't believe it either. I really didn't like either of the Simbas. The younger Simba was pretty awkward and fairly....indicative—the way he acted was very “actory” and showy, as opposed to just “being” on stage. Sorry for all the quotes. The older Simba had a really whiny voice. If you're a hero in a show, you need to sound like a man and not a 14 year-old kid. There were other things that were really good in the show, but overall, I didn't find the ensemble or leads really believable or committed. However, Nala was the star of the show. She was absolutely fantastic. In my opinion, she totally stole the show. “Shadowland” was completely amazing. In fact, during that song, I had the thought that she would be an excellent Aida.

After the show, we came back to the flat and I went out on the town alone, which was pretty refreshing. I hadn't done it since I was in Paris and I really liked it. I love being able to make the calls without worrying about how they will affect other people. I realize that is really selfish of me, but sometimes I get grouped with other people who are really into being quite touristy and that is just about the last thing I am interested in. Yeah sure, I want to do and see all the tourist things, but I want to avoid looking like one at all costs. My proudest moment in Paris was when I was asked directions in French three or four times in one day.

I really enjoy London. Paris may have been more of a fairy tale land for me, but London seems a bit more homey to me. Perhaps it's the English thing. Don't know.

Tomorrow is The Sixteen, right on the same level as The Tallis Scholars. My world will once again be altered. I am really excited.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

2010-05-11T16:43:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

And today was the Tallis Scholars. Wow. What an INCREDIBLE experience. I have NEVER felt so uplifted as I did during that concert. There has only been one other concert that had even close to the effect this one had on me. Oddly enough, it was actually a folk rock concert by a band called “The Swell Season.” You may know them from the movie “Once” - they did the soundtrack for it and won an Emmy for best original song from a film. Anyway, I saw them in November in SLC and they were terrific. Best show I'd ever been to. I left feeling SO good! It was just such a great time and the music they write and play is simply wonderful. It was really fantastic.

This concert was beyond words. There were only ten people in the ensemble and I've never heard a more in-tune, in-synch, together ensemble in all my life. They were simply extraordinary. They sang the Pope Marcellis Mass by Palestrina, as well as some other pieces, but that was the main piece on the program.

Each member of the ensemble knew exactly where he or she fit in the group and filled his or her part so very well. The two high sopranos impressed me most. There was one who had a HUGE voice, but blended it well most of the time. She was a bit overpowering at times, but her control was incredible. I loved hearing her soar on her high notes. However, I think her partner impressed me more. She was so very free and open, yet matched the color of the rest of the ensemble just a bit better. I was also quite impressed with the high tenor of the group. He had a certain sweetness to his voice and had a sonority to his voice that comes only when everything is completely open. However, there was a time in the concert when he sang with three other women and he closed down a bit too much for my liking and consequently, did not blend as well as I had hoped he would; it sounded just a little too manly, so to speak.

What overtones! There were times when I had to remind myself that the notes I was hearing could not possibly be sung by a human and that the group obviously wasn't singing them.

Gah. What an AMAZNG concert. It is at THE top of my list. If you EVER have a chance to see this ensemble, DO IT. You won't find anything better in the choral world.

We had a really wonderful afternoon. Jessica Jardine, Scott and Michelle and I went to the National Army Museum over by Sloane Square (close to the venue for the concert, which had INCREDIBLE acoustics, by the way). It was great! I loved reading all about the different wars G.B. Has been in and especially what it was like for the people here during World War II. They had a totally different experience than our country and it was so intriguing to learn how they dealt with their challenges and other such situations that naturally accompany war. And beside that, it was a really great museum. And it was free.

We then went to a quaint cafe where they had really wonderful, uniquely flavored food. I got a pesto pasta dish that had pistachios, spinach, and a whole lot of herbs I couldn't identify. It as DELICIOUS. And best of all was the dessert we shared amongst the four of us. It was a crepe with some really famous English whipped cream, toffee, bananas, strawberries, some DELECTABLE chocolate drizzle and Swiss chocolate ice cream. We thought we were going to die.

And then we went to see the Tallis Scholars and did die. We all feel like we've been translated.

I love this.

Monday, May 10, 2010

2010-05-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

Monday, May 10, 2010

Class today was the beginning of the study I had hoped we would have here. I loved our bit of form analysis we did on Mozart's Requiem. While no, I did not understand every bit of the theory we covered, but I am definitely making progress and I really like that. I think this study here will make me a much better musician—or so I hope. I enjoyed the theory and form analysis much more than the discussion about our responses to the pieces. The emotional, spiritual and psychological responses of listeners to pieces is surely extremely important, but I think the things—the music, including its form, chordal structure, etc—that create those feelings or affects, are almost more important than the responses to the music. If a composer or musician can understand those constructs, then he or she will be able to best convey those things to his or her audiences.
I've thought a bit more about my comment about the effect of live music on listeners and have come up with a few other ideas:

When people use their resonators to the fullest extent, they produce many overtones, which are, for some reason, arresting to the attention. Sister Hall calls it “making our endorphins dance.” But there is really a physiological, spiritual, psychological response to those overtones produced which makes us devote our full attention to what's going on musically.
Unfortunately, even with the recording technology being as advanced as it is, it still can not capture those overtones and when we hear recorded music, we simply can not achieve the same effect as when we hear it live. This really interests me, even after writing a 20 page paper on it two years ago. I still want to know what is happening mentally when those things happen—when music locks “air-tight,” if you will.

We went to Evensong tonight at Southwark (pronounced “Suthik”). I was fairly underwhelmed with it, but whatevs. I think it may have been the tuning or maybe the underdeveloped children's voices. But whatever it was (or wasn't, as the case was), it didn't really strike the chord for me.

We're seeing the Tallis Scholars tomorrow night. I think I might wet myself.

Sunday, May 9, 2010. London.

2010-05-11T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Sung Eucharist service at Westminster Abbey this morning was really quite extraordinary. I loved finding the parallels between their service and some of our most sacred services in our Church. I am constantly amazed at how many similarities there are between our Church and others, but I never find one single church that is similar to ours. It's just further proof that each of the other religions has so much truth, but none of them have a totality of the truth. I was deeply touched, however, by some of the things that were said at the service—even some of the set text that is a part of each service.

It's actually pretty interesting that I have had some really powerful spiritual experiences in going to other religions' services, especially Catholic services. There is a lot of reverence and silence that creates an atmosphere that is so conducive to the Spirit, which I fear eludes our own meetings. And I believe that if you attend others' services with an attitude of learning and appreciating and understanding, God can teach you what you will need to know simply by you being open. And while it may not all be true, there are, like I said, many truths that are taught in those services. In fact, in the program, which I don't currently have with me, there were a few phrases that had some deep, deep doctrine.

The choir at Westminster was fabulous. It was a boys choir, with boys singing the soprano and alto lines and men singing the tenor and bass lines. Although I do appreciate so much the fullness and grounding of women, there is something to be said about the boys' purity in their sound. They really can soar on those high notes and hit them so effortlessly. I was so impressed with their musicality and intonation at such a young age! Heavens, I have been singing for....who knows how long, and have not achieved that level of intonation. Quite impressive.

It's Mother's Day today. What a fabulous mother I have. I often think about all she did for me as I was growing up. She sacrificed so much for us and did so much to make us feel her love through the way she served us. And serves us! She has such a wonderful, good, tender and caring heart. I feel her love every day. I only hope she feels mine as well. I know at times she gets frustrated with how little time I have to talk on the phone, and I feel badly for it, but sometimes it really isn't possible for me to talk at that specific moment when she calls. Anyway, I am so grateful for her and her love. I am one lucky chap to have a mother such as her.

London. Saturday, May 9, 2010

2010-05-11T16:14:00.000-07:00

Saturday. May 8th, 2010

What a wonderfully refreshing day today! This past week has been pretty tiring because I was in Paris and I wanted to see everything, so I spent everyday wandering the city and seeing the city, probably walking a total of about 10 – 15 miles daily. So when everybody was blastedly tired from jetlag last night and went to bed early, I figured I would join the club and hit the sack at a reasonable hour. Having slept about 10 hours, I felt absolutely wonderful in the morning, as opposed to fantastically exhausted, compared to the rest of the week.

After a group meeting, during which we went over a bunch of program logistics, we were set loose to go on the town. We have a couple with us named the Whimmers who have spent a lot of time in London and they are more or less serving as resident tour guides for us. They gave us a walking tour, which would take us down by Trafalgar Square and the Parliament, Big Ben, etc. However, I decided I wanted some produce, so I went with my friends, Michelle and Scott, who are dating and are wonderful as well, to Portobello Road. It actually reminded me of 25 de Marco, from Sao Paulo, but actually quite toned down. You can find a lot of pretty cool things there on Portobello, but the prices aren't nearly as good as at 25 de Marco. But it was a really fun atmosphere and we saw some fantastic stuff. There are a whole lot of really cool vintage shops, wonderful produce venders (L4.50 for about 2 wks' worth of vegetables—also, can we pause and just contemplate how delectable carrots are in the UK?! Great scott!), and tons of little knick knack stores with lots of odds and ends. Seriously a really fun and awesome atmosphere. I loved it.

After getting back, I made some food, ironed my newly acquired shirts, INLCUDING a beautiful white and purple checked shirt I bought at H&M this morning for L10, and got ready for our concert tonight at St. Martin's at the Fields.

They did some really nice Purcell pieces, including one of my very favorite choral pieces in the world, “With Drooping Wings,” from “Dido and Aenaeas.” We sang it earlier in the year for our fall concert and that was when I first fell in love with it. It is at the end of the opera when Dido has died and the chorus is imploring the cupids to “scatter roses on her tomb” and to keep their watch and “never, never part.” It is an absolutely beautiful and stunning piece, which really cuts to your soul as you both sing and hear it. The writing is really quite amazing, especially considering the time when Purcell composed the opera. As I remember it, there are quite a few 7ths and 9ths between the interwieving parts and can be fairly dissonant at times. It is a fantastic piece though.

The second half was first Mozart's Gloria, I believe, which I don't think I'd ever heard, but REALLY liked. Following that was his Requiem Mass, which I had never heard performed live. Oh my gosh, I LOVED it. It really is an amazing piece of work and it has some exquisite parts. I remember a specific part when the choir repeated multiple times the lyrics “salva-ma.” I could feel and hear Mozart crying and weeping to the Lord “Save me, Jesus!” And it wasn't necessarily that he was pleading with the Lord to save him from sin, but rather from the depths of dispair and depression in which he spent much of his life. It was amazing to hear his voice through his music and feel his raw emotion. I think it was partly due to the performers, but I believe it was mostly Mozart's doing. I think I first fell in love with this piece after watching “Amadeus.” I know the story portrayed in the movie isn't necessarily true, but it still gave me access to the piece and now I totally love it.

It was interesting how hearing live music for the first time in about 3 weeks had an effect on me. I've been listening to good, intelligent music for the past couple weeks, but LIVE music had a real impact on me. I almost felt like I was being purged of impurity as I sat there. I am interested to see how this develops during this study. Suffice it to say that I am THRILLED to be here and am SO excited to get going on this.

Out.

Tough love: Cyclists and drivers share the road

2009-11-11T16:56:00.001-08:00

Tough love: Cyclists and drivers share the road
By Logan Bradford

“Gah! I hate bikes!”

This is not an uncommon outburst heard on BYU campus.

Impatience and ignorance present a major safety concern for both drivers and cyclists, making the need for mutual understanding greater than ever.

Despite statistics indicating a decrease in bike-motor vehicle crashes over the past 30 years, there are still hundreds of collisions and even deaths every year.

Racer Gibson, owner of Racer’s Cycle Service in Provo, attributes most car-bike incidents to cyclists acting erratically, limiting drivers’ ability to react to and predict what cyclists will do.

Gibson is a strong advocate for vehicular cycling, which promotes the idea that cyclists should act as cars when riding on the road.

According to Utah law code section 41-6a-1105, “a person operating a bicycle, a vehicle or device propelled by human power, or a moped has all the rights and is subject to the provisions of [that] chapter applicable to the operator of any other vehicle.”

Arnold Lemmon, BYU police lieutenant, has seen people not following this on and around BYU campus.

“Bikes want to be treated both as motor vehicle operators and pedestrians,” Lemmon said. “When a cyclist is on a roadway, he is subject to the same laws as a motor vehicle operator.”

One of those laws, Lemmon said, is using turn signals. He said cyclists should use hand signals to indicate their intended direction.

“It lets people know what’s going on,” Gibson said. “It’s like using turn signals in your car.”

Gibson also emphasized that riding on sidewalks is dangerous because drivers do not look for traffic moving three times the rate of a pedestrian when pulling out of a driveway and could potentially not see them, causing an accident.

In fact, the Utah law code reads, “A person may not operate a bicycle or a vehicle or device propelled by human power on a sidewalk, path, or trail, or across a roadway in a crosswalk, where prohibited by a traffic-control device or ordinance.”

Lemmon stressed the importance of cyclists riding on the shoulder of roads when possible, and if not, riding as far to the right in the lane as possible.

He also highlighted cyclists’ personal safety, using reflectors, lights and helmets.

“You get people riding at night without lights or reflective gear and they want to be treated well by motor vehicle operators,” Lemmon said. “You can’t get equal treatment if you’re not seen. Having the right equipment goes a long way.”

He said helmets are the best and cheapest way to protect a cyclist’s skull. He said it only takes one accident to ruin a life.

“You may think you look dumb wearing a helmet,” said Bree Goates, former BYU student and cycling enthusiast. “But you’ll look a whole lot dumber being a vegetable for the rest of your life because you got hit by a car when you weren’t wearing your helmet.”

Lemmon’s final advice for bike safety advocated communication.

“The more you can communicate your intention as a cyclist the safer you’re going to be,” he said.

the sabbath

2009-10-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

My current facebook status focuses on the Sabbath. One of my friends from my job in Alaska asked, in response, what the Sabbath means to me. I responded with this message. Because I feel so passionately about it, I decided to post it here.

Here's what I wrote her:

Hey kid. Thanks for asking me what the Sabbath means to me. To be honest with you, it means a lot to me.

I grew up in what I consider to be the most amazing family on the face of the planet. My parents are some of the most Christ-like and devoted people I know. We have always been a very religious family. My beliefs partially come from what the Church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) teaches, but also from what my parents, as well as what the Holy Ghost have taught me about this principle.

As I implied in my status, the Sabbath is so very sacred to me. It is one of the most special days I have in my life. And it happens EVERY WEEK! Oh, it’s WONDERFUL! Basically, my practice comes from the ever-so-simple commandment we find in Exodus, where the Lord says:

9 Six days shalt thou labour, and do all thy work:
10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:
11 For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

So, basically, the Lord says here that we should do all our work in six days and on the seventh we should rest from those things. Now to be honest with you, Sundays are nearly always one of my busiest days (except when I was on Coppers, in which case I did very little all day long, which was GREAT!). However, I take the opportunity to rest from my worldly cares of work, homework, and media that is not conducive to feeling the Spirit of the Lord.

So, you may ask what I do on Sundays:
1. I go to church. It lasts 3 hours: one hour for a combined meeting with all members, an hour for Sunday school, and an hour for a men only/women only meeting. The combined meeting has talks given by the congregation and the other two hours have lessons. All three can be phenomenal. Sometimes they are; sometimes they aren’t. The primary purpose for going to church, however, is to renew our baptismal covenants through taking the Sacrament, as was instituted by Christ at the Last Supper. We take a small piece of bread and a sip of water, symbolizing (not transubstantiation) the body and blood of Christ. So, what are our baptismal covenants?
We testify:
1. That we are willing to take upon us the name of Christ
2. That we will always remember Him
3. And that we will keep His commandments

That:

We may always have His Spirit to be with us.

Just a little reflection on that phrase: Oh my gosh, we can have a member of the godhead with us in ALL we do. Oh. My. Gosh. THAT is incredible.

So that’s why we go to church.
Now for the rest of my Sabbath observance.

I try to do everything I can to make Sundays as holy and sacred as possible. I truly try to make it a different kind of day. To do this, I do a few things:
1. I forget about any kind of music or movies (media) that won’t draw me closer to Christ. Given, I should do that everyday, but there are some kinds of media that are good and promote a good lifestyle, but simply don’t have Christ as their main message. I want every bit of media I consume on Sunday to direct my thoughts and feelings toward Christ.
2. Visit friends and family. Sunday is very much a family day (since I live away from much of my family, I call them fairly often on Sunday.).
3. I try not to indulge in sporting activities, or watch them, for that matter.
4. Enjoy nature, but with the intent of appreciating God’s creations, not with that of “conquering” mountains, etc…
5. Deepen relationships with people (conversations, emails, etc.)
6. Other forms of Church service (visits, meetings, etc.)
7. I don’t work on Sundays.
8. Make beautiful music that will help me come unto Christ.

I don’t know if I’m communicating this effectively, but I try to make sure everything I do on the Sabbath is directly related to either bringing myself or bringing others unto Christ (and in bringing others unto Christ, I only bring myself unto Him.).

The Sabbath is truly a reprieve for me. It is when I can stop caring about life for a day and focus on the things that matter most to me, such as my own personal salvation, as well as my family and those people for whom I have been entrusted to care.

I can’t say I always keep exactly to what I’ve laid out above. And that list is not the minimum or maximum; it simply contains some examples of what I do. There have been a handful of times I have not done these things, or kept to that list, but those are the basic guidelines that govern my Sabbath observance.

Each person’s Sabbath observance is a bit different. The Holy Ghost teaches us all differently and tailors what the Lord has to say to us to our needs and situations. I sometimes forget this and that’s where statuses such as the one you asked about originate. Just because the Spirit has told me to observe the Sabbath as he has does not mean that he has told other people similarly. I need to be more cognizant of that and more tolerant as well.

Anyway, I DOUBT you knew you were asking such a complicated question. There’s my answer. Hope you like it! Want to know more about any of what I wrote above? I would LOVE to tell you all about it. Christ’s gospel is the most valuable thing I have in my life. I love Him and want to follow Him so badly. I fail constantly, but I don’t care—it’s our constant getting up that makes it possible for Him to save us.

See you later!

outgoingness. yes, that IS a word.

2009-09-19T16:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been conducting an experiment lately:

I’ve always been a really outgoing person, so whenever I sit down next to someone I don’t know, I make an effort to get to know that person and make conversation with them. I noticed a little while ago that I was almost always the one to start the conversation. First, I think it’s funny that it took me that long to notice that. Second, I found it interesting that the other person almost never started the conversation. So my experiment was to let the other person start the conversation—for myself to be on the other side, receiving the sociality, as opposed to giving it to the person. This has been pretty interesting because it has led to some fairly awkward situations and silences. However, I have stopped doing it because I have realized that the reason people aren’t outgoing is because they are either angry or bitter at life or they are afraid of being shot down or rejected.

I have found that when I am proactively friendly with someone, if—and this is a big if—I do it right, it is like I am going up to them and saying “I accept you; you can be yourself and someone loves you.” That’s what I aim for in my friendliness. I wrote a blog about a year ago called “happiness is…” that touched on going around with a positive attitude and scattering sunshine wherever we go. But I have learned over the last year that it is not enough to just smile at everyone and ask them how they are doing; that doesn’t solve anyone’s problems. I need to be friends with people who need friends in order to make this world better. People need love. That’s what it boils down to.

Why is it so hard for us to leave our own personal comfort zone and bubble and go out to others with whom we normally wouldn’t socialize? Why do we shut ourselves off? I have found that the more outgoing and friendly I am, the happier I am. So why aren’t I ALWAYS friendly? I think it might be because I have had experiences when I have tried to reach out and was shot down that has made me subconsciously hesitant to try again. I talked to my dad recently about this and he said it’s a lot about listening to the other person and really figuring out what it is that is important to them and getting the topic of conversation to focus on them so they’re comfortable and feel valued. And not only do they feel valued, but they actually are valued if you do it sincerely. Friend Shannon also talked to me about figuring out how the person can help you in your life so they feel like they contribute to the relationship.

Like most of my blogs, this has gotten a little tangential, but I’m ok with that.

Conclusion: people need love.

institutionalized religion......why?

2009-08-27T01:00:00.001-07:00

I received quite a few comments on my last post about the laws that we live and how we live them. Some of the comments I received focused on people agreeing with, almost saying that I was writing about some sort of disestablishmentarianism (and yes, I did just use a 24-letter word), suggesting that we should not depend on the Church or other organizations or institutions to help us decide how to live the commandments and laws we receive.

I thank everyone who replied to my post, but I should tell you that those who implied a sense of disestablishmentarianism in fact, do not agree with me. I support the organization of the Church because of the very components that make up the organization, such as apostles, prophets, and other Church authorities. It is because of the Priesthood that there needs be an organization. Without the organization, the power of God would be in an organization contrary to its nature: complete disorganization and anarchy. Christ established a Church for a reason: to ensure that His people had order and that there would be some way to help people along. Harkening back to my last post, people aren’t spiritually mature enough to just read their scriptures on their own and do things of their own free will; they must be pushed along. People themselves are rarely proactive on things they read or learn. To illustrate the point, how many people do you personally know who read they scriptures 30 minutes every day? I know very few. And taking it a bit further, how many people (yourself included) do you know who live according to what they learn in their gospel study? My guess is that your answer to this question is a FAR smaller number than your answer to the other question. So why have the institution? To help people along.

Now, with organizations and institutions comes corruption; it is a given. But does it not say in the scriptures that we will lay down this corruption and take up incorruption? We are ALL corrupt. Why must we insist that we be incorrupt or that member of the Church be incorrupt? We will ALWAYS be disappointed if we expect people to be sound. Jesus did not come to hang out with the people who had already made it to perfection, but rather to make it possible for us—those who are far from perfection—to form a covenant relationship with Him and then be able to get back and live with Him. That is precisely what frustrates me about many people who leave the Church as a result of other members’ actions—I may be wrong, but I get the impression that they merely tire of the all-too-common Mormon culture, which admittedly can be fairly judgmental and clique-y. For any of you people reading this who aren’t members of the Church, let me clarify what is “Mormon Culture.” Often members of the Church can get into a bubble mentality, thinking that everyone thinks similarly or should think similarly to how they think. The problem comes when they react to those people whom they encounter who don’t think similarly to them; they can at times be a bit closed-minded and judgmental, which can lead to shutting people out and not being open to listening to their different points of view. This is of course completely contradictory to that Christianity teaches, and that is where the frustration of those who leave the Church [I imagine] originates. And here’s the ironic part: that is where my frustration with those who leave the Church originates, because I don’t think they realize that while yes, it most definitely is not on the OK list to be closed-minded, we still need to help those other people along and help them form a closer, better relationship with Christ.

And THAT is why we have the organization of the Church—we are all at different stages of our spiritual development. We need help in order to get to where we need to be spiritually. Very seldom can people think independently enough to make it on their own and really be taught the way by the Spirit. The organization is there to provide a means to disperse information to other members of the Church who either do not receive revelation for other members or so that those who do think independently of set norms of the Church and [especially] its culture can share their insights and help others live according to how the Spirit has taught them to live. I put that in italics because I wanted to emphasize the point that it is not how they have taught themselves to live, but that the Spirit has taught them. The Spirit will never teach doctrines of teachings contrary to the Church’s teachings because the Spirit is essentially the messenger for Christ and this is Christ’s Church; why would the two differ? The important distinction is the difference between Mormon culturistic norms and Church doctrines. There are some things in Mormon culture that have been practiced for so long that they have come to be accepted as doctrine, but are actually not.

So to summarize, the organization of the Church is necessary to give order to the Lord’s people—to ensure that they are being taught correct principles and to give them aide in living those principles. I believe it is necessary to receive insight from other people in order to confirm that what I am learning on my own is legitimate (sometimes it is extremely difficult to know what is the Spirit and what is not.). The people of organizations are not perfect, but if we are truly working toward a Zionistic society, it won’t matter because charity will get us through. And that is a blog for another day.

Before I end this one, however, I would like to add a quote that has spawned a whole litany of thoughts:

“The devil flatters us into believing that we are more righteous than others and with this very astute strategy, takes us his.”

-President Ezra Taft Benson

60,cloudy, and hazy

2009-07-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

here's another one of those legitimate brain dumps:

i will put a disclaimer on this post and say that it is purely my opinion and not anything i can actually document or reference in the scriptures; it is purely my speculation.

it's about both the law of moses-like things and scribe-like and pharisaical practices in the modern-day Church. when Christ came, He completely fulfilled the Law of Moses and the new law became (1) to love God above all other things and (2) to love thy neighbor as thyself. that was it. excepting those two, the commandments were totally gone and there was no longer any need for them *if* the people obeyed those two (everything else would simply fall into place).

fast forward about 1800 years exactly and Joseph Smith receives the revelation about the Word of Wisdom, laying out a an entire litany of specific things we should or should not ingest.

i think these two paragraphs have completely and totally contradicting ideas--the first saying that we need only love God and that we don't need any other specifications, while the second saying to do this, avoid that, etc.

so why all the specifics?

here are my thoughts:

we aren't spiritually mature enough to obey the spirit of the Law of Christ completely. people often talk about "the spirit of the law" as if it were somehow more lenient and easy to live/obey. i totally disagree; when we live the spirit of any law, we generally follow MUCH stricter policies or guidelines.

take, for instance, the word of wisdom: what is the spirit of the law behind that one (or in other words, what was the Lord wanting us to do when He gave that law?)? in my opinion, it was to take care of our bodies. the spirit of the law wasn't "don't ingest alcohol, tobacco, tea, drugs, or coffee," but rather, "keep your body in good condition." this would of course include all those other things mentioned, but it would also include eating healthily in general and exercising. so many people concentrate on all the things you can or can't do that they lose sight of what the law is really about. this is EXACTLY what happened with so many of the scribes, pharisees, and saducees. as a result of this, [i hypothesize] we have a ton of people in the Church who are just terribly unhealthy because of their eating habits, etc, but by all technical terms, are still "worthy."

another example of this is the sabbath. a couple of weeks ago i went to church at a branch in Glennallen, AK, where the lesson was on the sabbath. we talked about all the things people should or shouldn't do on sundays. i have to confess that i did NOT like the lesson because it was totally law of moses. i felt like we were totally shooting past the mark and losing sight of what the law was really about.

The law is about keeping the Lord's day as holy as possible, not about doing such and such activity and not doing another because it is or isn't on a list. frankly,i could do all those things on that list, but not keep the sabbath holy if i din't do them with the right spirit or focus.

now i'm going to go off my train of thought and write some stuff my roommate and i were talking about, just so i can get it sorted out in my head.

the Spirit will teach us at our own pace. in the lesson i was talking about, in that list, there were a few things that were put out by the Church that i wouldn't do because i don't feel comfortable doing them on Sundays. conversely, i do some things on sundays that others don't do because they don't feel comfortable doing them. so, in essence, we all do what we feel comfortable doing, according to the promptings and teachings of the Holy Ghost. the Spirit could come to us and tell us to work on some aspect of our spirituality, while He may tell someone else something else. it is then of course our responsibility to obey that and make it a part of our lives. as we do that, HE will teach us the very spirit of the laws we are attempting to live at the time.

what i am trying to get at is that we must live the laws as we know how to live them. in 1st corinthians 8:4-13, the new converts who had previously practiced the law of moses were upset about the gentile converts eating the used sacrificial meat (now why they were still doing sacrifices is totally beyond me) because they felt that it was totally irreverencing it. however, the gentiles didn't have any problem with it because they had not lived under the law of moses and had no dogmas attached to the meat. paul's response was to simply be careful that the meat not become a stumbling block to the saints in corinth.

similarly, i believe we musn't let the specific guidelines the Church or more importantly, the Church MEMBERS attach to the commandments be stumbling blocks for us or we will "look past the mark," and fall short in keeping the commandments.

and now i will step down off my soap box and stop preaching logan doctrine. i realize that some of this is not terribly accurate and is instead opinion, but i thought i'd write it down nonetheless. let me know your thoughts, especially on my point about the Lord giving us specific guidelines about the commandments as a result of our spiritual immaturity to fully live the commandments without specific delineation as to how to live those commandments.

it's now been about two months since i wrote this (it's 0ct 17th and i am editing this post) and President Uchtdorf said something absolutely brilliant in his talk at conference:

The Savior Himself provided the answer with this profound declaration: “If ye love me, keep my commandments.”1 This is the essence of what it means to be a true disciple: those who receive Christ Jesus walk with Him.2
But this may present a problem for some because there are so many “shoulds” and

“should nots” that merely keeping track of them can be a challenge. Sometimes, well-meaning amplifications of divine principles—many coming from uninspired sources—complicate matters further, diluting the purity of divine truth with man-made addenda. One person’s good idea—something that may work for him or her—takes root and becomes an expectation. And gradually, eternal principles can get lost within the labyrinth of “good ideas.”

i have no comment on this, except "AMEN!"

Knowing Christ, part 2.

2009-07-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

My last blog concentrated on how we can get to know Christ. It was really quite the dilemma in my head and I was having a really hard time resolving it. I counseled with quite a few people, including my very knowledgeable father and insightful brother-in-law and have come up with some things that have helped me out quite a bit.

Here we go:

In John 14, Christ is talking with His disciples about how He is going to leave them. They get concerned and do not want Him to go, but He promises them the Holy Ghost to be their companion. Said He:
16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.
18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

These next verses are particularly poignant:
20 At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.
21 He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

So, what Christ is saying here is that as we keep His commandments, we will qualify for the company of the Holy Ghost, and through the Holy Ghost will Christ make Himself known unto us (or in some other way….”manifest” is a little vague, but I would presume it would be through the Holy Ghost that He would do it.).

And in 23, He says, “If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him.”

If Christ and Heavenly Father abide with you through the Holy Ghost, then surely you will come to know them. I wrote in my last blog that if you know President Uchtdorf, you know President Monson. That isn’t true because they are not completely perfect. Not even they have perfect, singular desires, as the Father and Son have; they are imperfect and differ in their opinions, but the Father and Son have are perfectly one in desire and opinion.

The interesting thing in this instance with the Apostles is that they had been with Christ for three years already and yet did not truly know Him (It was only Simon Peter who actually recognized Jesus as the Christ.). And to further illustrate this point He says:

25 These things have I spoken unto you, being yet present with you.
26 But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.

Christ had taught them many things while with them, but even still, they had not truly grasped who or what He was or meant in their personal lives. It was therefore necessary to grant them the Holy Ghost as a means to “bring to remembrance” those things He had taught and spoken to the disciples.
In 2 Nephi 26:13, it says:

13 And that he manifesteth himself unto all those who believe in him, by the power of the Holy Ghost; yea, unto every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, working mighty miracles, signs, and wonders, among the children of men according to their faith.

The Holy Ghost is the great revelator. It is through Him that we can come unto Christ and truly know Him.

26 God shall give unto you knowledge by his Holy Spirit, yea, by the unspeakable gift of the Holy Ghost
(Doctrine and Covenants | Section 121:26)

33 How long can rolling waters remain impure? What power shall stay the heavens? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints.

(Doctrine and Covenants | Section 121:33)

Heavenly Father wants us to come to know Christ and has appointed means by which it can be accomplished. We need to do our part and come unto Him with full purpose of heart so He can see our desires, abide with us, and thereby manifest Himself unto us.

75 degrees, sunny, with a forest fire haze

2009-07-05T00:25:00.000-07:00

I’m back after a longer hiatus than I would have liked it to have been, due to my first highway tour, followed by a bunch of city stuff, during which I was really tired.

Anyway, the name of this blog is loganbraindumps, right? So, we’re using the verb interpretation of that (as opposed to the adjective interpretation) and are going to explore something here that I’ve been thinking over in the past few days.

It’s the following: we are to develop a close, intimate relationship with Jesus Christ, both as, and in order to come unto Him. My dilemma is that I develop relationships with people by interacting with them and talking with them. Now I believe that we can partially come to know Christ on a personal level by taking part in His Atonement, but I believe there are more sides to Him than just His Atonement. I know we can study His life and His teachings, but even still, I think that won’t take us far enough. That’s like saying we can study the life and writings of Ralph Waldo Emerson and thereon build a relationship with him—it just doesn’t work like that. Now, we are given the Spirit to lead and guide us unto Christ, etc, and we pray in the name of Christ, but I feel like that is one of the only times we are really interacting with Him directly. When we pray, we pray to the Father and interact with Him, but merely go through Christ, as he is the intermediator. When we are repenting, we are feeling his power, but not that is only one side of Him—not the whole Him.

So there’s the conundrum that’s in my head. My one possible solution is that when we pray, we are to by guided by the Holy Ghost, and if we are in tune with the Holy Ghost and follow His promptings, we will pray for those things that He desires for us to receive. I believe we can come to know someone fairly well simply by coming to know their desires.

So there is one way I believe we can come to know Christ on a much more personal level. I think there are other, better ways to do it, but I just don’t know them. I want to hear your thoughts on this one. Go ahead and post, correcting, answering, or building up anything I’ve propounded here. Thanks!

hmmmm

2009-06-03T23:35:00.000-07:00

here's a question for you:

the gospel offers so much happiness and is so tender. why, in the scriptures, do they not focus more on that? i feel like they are always just preaching repentance, almost harshly. why do you think that is? do you think it's just a difference in culture in the times we live? any responses would be appreciated. thanks much.

78 degrees, clear, and sunny. denali natl park

2009-06-03T23:03:00.000-07:00

I don’t really know what’s gone on with me the past few weeks—well, since I got up to Alaska. I really can’t figure it out, but for some reason, I’ve started taking my spirituality so much more seriously. I think it may have had something to do with the fact that I have the opportunity to do missionary work up here. For the first time since my mission, I am in a predominantly non-member area and I can actually get involved in the work.

We had a baptism the other day where a 27 year-old guy named matt was baptized. He is so incredibly humble and really desires to follow the Lord. He asked me to speak at the baptism about the Spirit. I had an absolutely incredible experience while speaking, which totally just pounded into my head about not only the reality of the Holy Ghost, but also the importance of Him in our lives.

I’m out on the highway now, being trained on a tour that goes down to Copper, which is about halfway between Fairbanks and Valdez. We’ll have a couple days down in copper, do a day in valdez, and then a day back in Fairbanks. I think it’ll be pretty cool. I’m actually pretty happy to get out of Fairbanks—the company for which I am driving just merged with another company and the merger has caused quite a bit of disorganization and there are some pretty crazy things going on there driving-wise that will be good to escape. I think I’ll be on this tour about every other week, so I’ll spend about a third of my remaining time out on the road doing that. While I’m out on the road, I don’t have reception because I have Sprint as my carrier, which sucks (I can’t wait for my contract to end in August). So the best way to get a hold of me during that time will be on here, via email, or facebook. Basically I won’t have the use of my phone till Monday.

Ok. That’s all. Off to read the skips and then my emails from my mission—I just found the whole lot of them and am really excited to go back and remember everything.

so many "so's!"

2009-05-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

holy cow, i just realized that i started all of the paragraphs, with one exception, in my last post with the word "so." i am SO sorry. very poor writing.

60 and sunny

2009-05-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

hey folks.

so i am starting to notice that people REALLY watch us. i was talking to a fellow driver yesterday and he started talking about his views of Mormon kids. he worked in skagway last year and started talking about his view of them. people don't watch other religion's people, i don't feel, but they do watch us. we are under SO much scrutiny because we claim to be different. we have so much to live up to. and really, if we're purporting to be different, we had better BE different.

so many opportunities to share the gospel up here! i obviously can't talk about it on the coach, but with other drivers and in non-work settings, i'm all over it. it's fun to be able to get involved in missionary work in the branch. i am now an activities committee co-chair, so i've started working with the missionaries on integration and stuff. as a missionary, i always thought it took so much effort to integrate investigators and all that, and frankly, for a missionary it really is quite overwhelming, with a lot of investigators. but if members just take initiative with that, they can really do some awesome damage in the missionary work (and by "damage," i mean help).

so singing is TOTALLY the way to go for tips. oh man, people soak it up. it's really fun to figure out what works for you and your personality, in light of the type of group you have. it's almost like a game for me. it's really pretty fun to see what they're like and what they like.

so i may be heading out on the highway tomorrow, meaning that i would be taking 4 or 5 day-long trips, which would totally be cool. however, the bad thing is that if i were to get trained on this trip, any time i did it, i would be out of town on sundays. there is a branch down there, so hopefully i'd be able to go there. i requested that if they put me on that tour, i be in town at least every other week.

so, no girls up here thus far. i know a lot of you are wondering about my alaska flings, but i haven't had any, and thus far, nothing is in order for one. just no one with whom i mesh, you know? one of my driver friends told me to lower my standards, but i know that if i did that, and then got into a relationship, i wouldn't at all feel fulfilled in that, and that would suck.

i spoke in church on sunday on "study diligently," from President Monson's Priesthood session talk. it was a really fun talk to prepare. i didn't feel like my delivery was as good as it usually is. i think that was because i was offering so much advice or counsel that i didn't want to come off preachy, so i may have backed off a little more than i should have. oh well.

that's all for now. later.

low 50's and overcast

2009-05-30T12:46:00.000-07:00

some recent pictures from flight seeing and our anchorage temple trip.

view of the white mountains from the plane

more of the whites

yup, more of the whites

sunset on the yukon river

sunset from the highway on the way back from anchorage to fbx.

'nother sunset shot

friend robin and i in seward. nope, not dating her, nor intending to.

anchorage--->seward

seward bay

more of seward bay

80 degrees, clear, and sunny

2009-05-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

well hi friends! i've got a few minutes while i'm waiting for my guests to get back from their riverboat ride on the chena river here in town, so i'm in the drivers' lounge, sleeping, writing emails, and now i'm blogging.

updates:

1. went to anchorage this past weekend for the singles branch temple trip. nice town; i really liked it. it actually reminded me quite a bit of sandy, but with a lot better topography and WAY radder (yeah, i'm not sure if "radder" is actually a word, but we'll take the linguist approach to it and say it is) mountains. the mountains here are SO cool. they're just straight up, jagged, rocky, snowy, and awesome. i mean utah mountains are cool, but alaska mountains rock my world. anyway, we went to the temple where i helped with the baptistry and then did a session with roommate greg (who is a stud, fyi). i learned something i should have learned a LONG time ago while there and it has changed my thinking quite a bit about things. i was really grateful for that.

we went shopping in downtown anchorage and i accidentally bought two really wonderful pieces of clothing at banana because they were RIDICULOUSLY on sale. i was happy with that though.

then we went to sacrament meeting down there, followed by driving down to seward so the friends i went with could visit a friend down there. it's about a 2 hour drive down to seward and i think it might be the most beautiful drive i've ever taken. it follows the coastline all the way down, and then seward is located in a huge bay, with mountains surrounding the bay. absolutely gorgeous. pictures forthcoming (i'm not writing this on my comp, so i don't have my pics with me).

2. my roommate scored us a free flight seeing tour up to fort yukon, a native village up here. the flight was amazing. the aforementioned forthcoming pictures will tell all (the way i started that sentence sounds ridiculous).

3. i've started driving real guests. yesterday was my first real tour day and i felt like it went really pretty well. i was really pleased with it. of COURSE, i need to change some things around, but overall, i think i'll be pretty good at it. i've discovered that singing is a great way to kill time when i have nothing to say. they seem to love that, so i do that on just about all my routes. i've actually found that i can get pretty good tips on routes nobody gets anything on just by singing, so i definitely capitalize on that one.

4. had a really cool experience yesterday:

there are typically 2-3 drivers doing the exact same tour schedule all day long, so we of course hang out while our groups are taking tours--we spend quite a bit of time together. yesterday, i was with two former long-time truck drivers, who have mouths worse than sailors. nice guys, but their speech patterns are not particularly conducive to the Spirit. anyway, we had to do some airport shuttle runs in the afternoon while we were waiting for our guests on the riverboat (similar to what i am doing now, only they didn't have anything for me to do right now, so that's why i can blog, etc), and we had about 45 minutes of down time, while we waited for the next flight we were shuttling to come in. so i went to my coach by myself and grabbed my scriptures. the very INSTANT i opened them, i felt their shear power in my life. an amazing testimony of purity and cleanliness of the words contained in the Book of Mormon overcame me. i thought it was especially poignant that i didn't even have to read anything to feel its power. i'm lucky to be reading the account of Christ's visit to the Americas right now and it's just fabulous. can't wait for my session later today. i know that book is true.

and that's about all for right now.

oh, i learned something the other day: sometimes i think some people just don't want to be happy because of their attitude or something of the sort. but nearly EVERYONE wants to be happy. they are doing the very best they know how to. i'm not really sure what the practical application of this is, but it's good for understanding people and how they work.

ok! later, my dear friends!

50 degrees and overcast. scattered showers

2009-05-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

so, more on my adventures in AK. actually, all of my posts this summer will be about that, so i might as well stop using that phrase.

the drive up was long as all get out. we hit snow really hard in montana, where apparently they got a 14" storm total for that one. pretty crazy. we stopped once, a little south of edmonton, and then pretty much drove straight through for the next two days. it was a nice, pretty drive once we got into the yukon territory. the alaska highway got uber bumpy for the last 200 or so miles before the border, but once we hit the border, the it was smooth sailing. or driving.

some cool churchy experiences since i've been up here:

1. we were being trained on a one of our tours and some other people from a different part of the company were being trained on the same tour at the same time. i saw a girl and instantaneously, i just knew she was LDS. she didn't say anything or interact with anyone; i just knew she was a member because of the light she radiated. i think i had just gotten so used to seeing everyone back at byu with that light, so it was completely commonplace for me to be around people like that.

i got to thinking about how people can always just spot LDS people by their....whateverness and of course wondered if people ever saw that in me--if i was one of those who you could just pick out of the crowd as being LDS.

then the other day on another training trip with some other drivers, i was talking to one of the drivers about things to do in Fbx and i mentioned the bar scene wasn't really my scene. to that she replied, "well, sorry if i'm being presumptuous, but there are PLENTY of mormons around fbx." of course, i said "how'd you know i was mormon?" to which she replied "oh, everything about just screams "mormon." i asked her what specifically about me "screamed 'mormon,'" but she couldn't pinpoint it.

i was really happy about that conversation; it was really quite reassuring and comforting to have that confirmation. it's just been so long since i've been in a non-predominantly-lds environment that i don't know what it's like to be a minoroity anymore.

anyway, that led into the third cool experience:

i've been praying for opportunities to share the gospel a lot, now that i'm not in the bubble, so of course after my previously-explained conversation they started asking greg (my roommate, who is a really cool, mellow, funny guy) and me a bunch of questions about how the Church was connected to the world of Christianity. i decided the best way to explain it would be to explain the restoration to them, which i did, basically teaching them a mini first. it's been a LONG time since i've sat down and really taught someone about the gospel, so it was really a thrilling experience for me. i felt the Spirit really strongly as i did so, especially when i taught about the First Vision. it was a real testimony to me of the restoration. it really pounded into my head that the restoration is our main message to the world, besides of course that Jesus is the Christ.

I was really grateful Heavenly Father answered my prayer about that and that i could teach a little about the gospel. i don't think the two girls we were talking to felt the Spirit as much as i did (or maybe they just didn't recognize it), but it was a great experience for me nonetheless. i know this whole thing just sounds trivial, but it actually meant a lot to me.

i shaved my beard. it was itchy.

BEARDED

GOATEED

SICK.

STALKER-STACHE

BACK TO NORMAL!

oh, so i don't necessarily plan on using my blog as a lot of people use theirs: sometimes it will be to update people; other times to simply braindump (hence the url); other times it will be kind of as a journal. i'm sure i'll find more uses for it besides those. sorry if i'm not as traditional as you might want me to be.

ALASKA

2009-05-07T01:23:00.000-07:00

so i've decided that i actually want to be better about blogging. i think my motivation will be that i'm in a different place for the summer and people might actually want to know what i'm doing with my life, the places i am and see, etc.

anyway, yeah, i'm in alaska for the summer! i'm driving buses as a tour guide in fairbanks. actually, the season hasn't technically started yet, since we're still doing training, etc., but things are rolling in that direction (note the pun.).

i was out driving today by myself for the first time and i came to the conclusion that i think i will really like this job, especially as i really put my own personality into it, you know? i'll mostly be driving around older people, so i'll in effect, be like their grandson. i'm thinking i'll learn some nice old songs and sing them to the old ladies and milk them for all the tips i can get off them. yup, i'm that schmoozy, and shameless at that.

i was really apprehensive about coming up here, but when i went to the branch on sunday, i found the branch to be pretty sociable and strong -- i was actually really impressed with all three hours of church on sunday. the testimony meeting we had was super good and both sunday school classes had really thought-provoking discussions, which was a nice change for me. the branch presidency seemed really eager to use us in the branch, so i'm actually hoping to get a fairly demanding calling--i was Priesthood chorister in my last ward, so i feel like i've been a little under-used for a while. i would really love to be a ward missionary or a teacher of some sort.

i'm really excited to be in a predominantly member-free environment. for once, i feel like i can actually be a legit member missionary, especially since i'm not always on campus or rehearsing for/performing a show.

so, alaska is super pretty. i need to get some pictures up here so y'all can see them. the trees are just now budding and the leaves should be out in full within a week, according to everyone here. i just love how many trees there are here--after living in utah for two years straight, i am SO ready for some good, green trees.

oh, and i'm growing a beard. well, i guess i have a beard, technically. i think i'm going to see how long it'll get. kinda goofy, but i'm not at byu, so i have full reign over what i want to do with my facial hair.

which reminds me of a rant:

i hate that a lot of people somehow judge worthiness or good-standing in the Church on how clean-shaven you are. WHAT?! no. that's RIDICULOUS. i don't even know how to argue this point. i mean, how does the amount of hair growing on my face reflect my obedience to the gospel? and when did church members become so opposed to this? TONS of the prophets and apostles of the restoration had beards. Jesus had (has) a beard, for crying outloud.

and why the devil does byu allow mustaches? mustaches look DIRTY. ew. gross.

so, there's my rant for the night. lest you think i am going apostate because of my criticism of church members, i actually haven't felt as spiritually invigorated as i do now for quite some time. I am having some great scripture studies and feel like i am progressing really well.

so that's all for now. i'll post again when it's late and i'm not tired and have nothing to do.

peace out, folks.

happiness is....

2008-10-13T15:24:00.000-07:00

There have been a few people who have asked me why I am so happy, and others who have commented on how they never see me having a bad day, so I’ve actually gotten to thinking quite a bit about it and the reasons behind that. The following is half brain dump, half trying to encourage people to be happy. It’s kind of long, but I think it’s got some pretty good points that a lot of people could benefit from knowing.

Here goes:

I have decided that happiness is a choice, rather than a result. It is a journey, rather than a destination. I think people far too often say to themselves “I’ll be so much happier when [such and such thing] happens.” I object to this kind of thinking; why not be happy on the journey to that “such and such”?

I am a happy person; that is a fact. However, I have not always been so; I used to be fairly sarcastic and even cynical. (Side note: Sarcasm and cynicism are such dangerous attitudes and ways of life. They so easily point out the negative in a biting, mocking way.) I LEARNED happiness. It wasn’t until my mission that I started to change my way of thinking. It was because of a wonderful missionary (as is so often the case in situations involving small or great changes in missionaries—or everyday people; missionaries can have a profound impact on people) named Elder Domanico. Elder Domanico had hard days, just like the rest of us do, but he made the very best out of every situation. E. Domanico was my Zone Leader when I was a District Leader as a young missionary. He and I did a few exchanges together, but for some reason, the most profound impact he had on me was when he was working with my companion, whom I was training at the time. E. Johansen would tell me how, despite a massive downpour of rain, E. Domanico would greet people as he did contacts with them by saying “Isn’t it just the most gorgeous day?!” and would be serious and sincere about it nonetheless!

Kids on the streets in Brasil can be really big punks. Until E. Domanico taught me a crucial lesson, I always viewed them as nuisances; I really couldn’t stand them. Then I did an exchange with E. Domanico, who would joke around and play with the kids. Inevitably and invariably, they would ask us who we were and what we did and we would get to explain it, and ask them for their address so we could drop off a present (a Book of Mormon, logically) for their parents. He taught me that if I could simply love people and be their friend they could help us so much. Not just a lesson for the mission, but one for life. That is a dangerous phrase that I just wrote; I don’t mean to say that we would use these kids to get our work done, but rather concentrated on loving them so that they could hear our awesome message, the end result hopefully being that their family would accept the gospel and be truly happy.

Towards the end of my mission I started to ponder on this quite a bit. I came to the realization and conclusion that people simply want and need to be loved. If we can but love people and spread happiness we can have a great impact in the world. Towards the end of my first semester back at BYU, I started making it my goal to smile everywhere I went and say “hi” to strangers, talk to people in lines at food places, cash registers—just everyone so that they could be happy. I tried and try to be cheery and upbeat, trying to make people laugh and smile and see the sparkles of life (I actually hate real sparkles and sequins, but that is totally beside the point). I realized that there were far too many people who are simply unhappy. But this life has so much happiness to offer us! We have to look for it and it is hard work to be happy, but when we focus on making other people happy, we inevitably become happy ourselves!

When making other people happy becomes our soul goal and concentration, it is at that moment that we can find our true purpose and calling in life. As we focus outward, our inward comes into a much finer focus.

Sometimes bad things happen. That is a fact of life: crap happens. It’s a bummer. But you know what? We have to deal with it! We have to expect the best, but be prepared for the worst. And when the worst happens, why dwell on it and focus on how bad our situation is? Why not focus on what we can do to change our situation and get out of the hole in which we find ourselves? Why complain? I love what Elder Holland said about trials: “There is nothing so bad that complaining about it won’t make it worse.”

Actually, I would like to explore that quote a little more thoroughly:
When we complain, we only promote a negative attitude everywhere around us, even in our own minds. Complaining is especially unhealthy when we are experiencing things in a group because we help other people to not only recognize, but also focus on the negative side of the experience rather than helping them be positive and learn from the experience. And an odd thing is that when we vocalize things, they become more solid in our own heads because they have passed through a second medium, aside from just our heads; the more media through which thoughts pass, the stronger and more solid they become. So, instead of complaining, even mentally, we should distract ourselves and think instead of the positive aspects of our situation or if there really is no positive side of the situation (HIGHLY unlikely), we should think about something else! The key is to simply not think negatively, and especially not voice that negativity to other people.

I had a youth leader suggest that we never complain unless we had a viable solution to accompany that complaint. I like that.

Today our Elder’s Quorum lesson was on trials. There was a guy who was talking about how our life is stormy and we only have little bits of sunshine. I must say that I felt compelled to immediately raise my hand in disagreement with his statement, for I find that life is ALL about seeing the sunshine THROUGH the storms and being happy not necessarily in spite of, but rather BECAUSE of the storms. When we have hard times, we need to realize there is a specific reason that we are having that experience and that we need to learn from it.

I remember on my mission (yes- 98% of my life is based on my mission) when our area was just not doing very well. I had been out 18 or 19 months and finally started thanking our Heavenly Father for the hard times we were having and for the perseverance they were teaching me, as well as bringing my dear companion and I closer together. What an opportunity it was for us to sanctify ourselves and be the most obedient we could possibly be, working harder and more consecratedly than we had up to that point. Looking back on it now, I know that the Lord was preparing me for my next and final area, which my companion—whom I was training—and I opened. It was so important that I be not only obedient, but also hard-working during that time so that he could learn how to be a good missionary. I doubt that I could have trained him well or effectively had I not had those experiences in my previous area. How grateful I am that I had those hard times in that area to consecrate me and prepare me for the not only the hardest, but some of the most rewarding experiences of my mission in my next area.

My last point:

So much of what we think are trials are in fact things that we have chosen and we should be happy for the opportunity we have to do so many wonderful things! We choose our major, our job, our extra-curricular activities! Why not make the very most of the opportunities we have? This past spring, I was in a show, auditioning for a bunch of other shows, had a 20 page research paper due at the end of the semester, and had the regular end-of-the-semester finals and all the hecticness that accompanies that. I was starting to get really very stressed with life, but one day, I realized, “I chose this! Why should I be complaining about this? What wonderful opportunities I have to learn and grow because of these things! Logan, think about how much these experiences will help you in the future in your career, your family, your Church callings, etc.” As I changed my attitude, stress faded from my life and I became so much more light-hearted and happy, overwhelmed with the amount of gems I saw in life, instead of only finding one or two here or there. I learned to live life, instead of facing life; to embrace it, instead of tackle it. Since then, things have been so much better and easier.

So, those are most of my thoughts on happiness. I think I pretty much covered everything that has been going through my head about the topic. Actually, I probably forgot to include some pretty key things, but that inevitably happens anytime I write anything or speak. Meh. Such is life.

There is a lot to live up to in this little splurge here. I do not claim to live everything that I have written because I slip all the time, but I try to live it the best I can so I can be as happy as I can be. So if you see me slipping up, point it out to me so that I can fix it, but please don’t think I am a hypocrite.

I love life. I love how much it has to offer us. In the words of Elder Wirthlin’s mother: “Come what may, and LOVE it!”

holding hands

2008-10-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

holding hands is a ridiculously enjoyable activity. my first rememorable (i know that's not a word) hand hold was in eighth grade. i admit that i was an early bloomer, but i am happy to have gotten so much experience over the past 8 years! my first hand hold and all subsequent ones till post mission consisted of me suspecting that the girl liked me and then just kind of taking the shot. we all know the psychological thriller (shall we say "murderer"?) this is for a guy--i shan't go into that. let's just say that i have spent a cumulative total of approximately 10 hours deciding whether or not i should go for the hand hold or not. those 10 hours constitute the 10 most stressful hours of my life, including all mission and scholastic situations.

a story:

senior year of high school. i ask kirsten to prom at a script read through that we were doing for a show we were in (noises off). she says yes. (kirsten and i had been in the school musical for the 2 months previous to this episode, so i had had my eye on her for quite some time.) the entire cast then watches the movie of the show in my basement. because our basement was a tad bit nippy, the lot of use that were on the couch decided to throw a blanket over top us, so as to keep us warm. i had of course strategically placed myself next to kirsten in the hope that i might somehow go for the hand hold. about 40 minutes into the movie, once we had already thrown the blanket over us, i decide to go for it. at this point, we're holding the blanket up to about neck height, so our arms were in some kind of fold under the blanket. my thinking, therefore, was that, because no one else could see our hands, i would extend my left arm (since i was on her left, folding my arms), and grab her right hand. it was a perfect plan. HOWEVER, when i go for the hold, i grab no hand--i instead grab her BLASTED ELBOW! a plan miserably foiled and failed. i quickly retract my hand, in the intense hope that she has not noticed that i had attempted to hold her hand. i get that empty, nervous feeling in my chest--you know, that one where you just kind of say to yourself "oh crap, dude, i totally just wasted ALL hopes of getting this girl." however, for some odd reason, despite my surety that kirsten now thought she had a simply awkward prom date, i proceed to ask her out not a day later; four days later, we're dating.

that was a just kind of a funny story.

at this point in life, i don't really think hand holding normally occurs until both parties have indulged in some kind of dtr, which i support whole-heartedly; i think that the whole dating game is much too much a guessing game and so many people treat it trivially. that's a post for another day though.

and those are my thoughts on hand holding.