My recent interaction with a now-incarcerated child pornographer

Background:
During my senior year of high school, I was part of a singing group comprised of about 15 high school-aged kids. The director was a man, who, in an effort to avoid any undue exposure, I will call Peter Jacobsen. Peter was one of the gentlest and kindest men I have ever met. While he was at times a bit eccentric, his central aim was to help us experience the great power of music and let us “touch the Divine through [that art],” as he frequently put it. While I worked with Peter, I could always sense a bit of sadness within him. I always assumed it was simply a lack of the gospel in his life, for as I understood life at that time, the gospel was what made people happy and if they weren't happy, it was because they didn't have the gospel (when I say “the gospel,” I refer to the gospel taught in Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I now understand that sadness was directly related and caused by his terrible addiction to pornography and the incredible shame he must have felt because of it.

Peter and I have kept in contact throughout the years and he seemed to be enjoying life fine until January of 2009, when every time I spoke with him, he would report that things we really going terribly for him, but he would never explain beyond that. In April of this year, I received an email from a friend of his, informing me, along with many others of Peter's friends, that Peter had been arrested in 2009 on accounts of possessing more than 100 pieces of child pornography. His friend was asking us to each provide a letter of reference for Peter. You might imagine my reaction to receiving such notification. It was one of the most revolting and saddening bits of news I had heard … in my life. I wrote the letter of reference, recounting my experiences with Peter in his singing group.

Peter's experiences started at the age of seven, when he was raped repeatedly by an older child in his choir. They continued when he was a teen-ager, by his choir director. Early in his adolescence, a neighbor girl invited him over to her house, where she showed him pornographic magazines. So started his addiction to pornography. In 1993, he read an article on one of the pornographic sites he was viewing about child pornography and found himself strangely aroused. He said in a therapy session that it scared him and he fled from the situation. He enrolled in sex addict therapy a few times, but never to any avail. In 1997, he started viewing child pornography and continued until 2009, when it was discovered on his work computer. The rest is history. However, he never touched anyone or molested them in any way. Peter was always a very honest man and he swears to the fact that he never did touch anyone. In fact, now that I think about it, he even took a polygraph to prove it.

A couple months after Peter's friend had contacted me, Peter contacted me personally and asked me to be a character witness at his trial. I decided to go and tell my honest experiences with him, to see if I could somehow lessen his sentence from life to something where he could get his life back in order and perhaps even experience real joy in this mortal probation (I do not claim infallibility on the decision to go; who knows if it was an intelligent use of my time and money?) So I went on Thursday of this week. As I arrived at Peter's house Thursday night, I could feel the darkness that had enveloped the house and the ensuing sadness that was there as a result of the decisions Peter had made and the effects they had had on his family.

Peter ended up being sentenced 25 years in prison, with a 16 year suspension, with the chance of being let out early on good behavior, in addition to indefinite parole. Basically, that means he'll be in for nine years, with the possibility of eight if he behaves himself and demonstrates he is fit to be in society again. Below is a letter I wrote to my friends in the singing group Peter directed. I sent it after I sent the recap of the trial.

Hello again to all of you,

I am now flying back home to Utah from Peter's trial and I've been journaling here on my iPod about yesterday's events. Actually, these thoughts started yesterday as we were waiting for the trial and I just wanted to get them down so I could organize them a bit more and understand what was going through my head a bit better. Anyway, as I was sitting here writing, a thought occurred to me: at breakfast yesterday, Peter said he wanted to tell people his story so they could avoid the kinds of experiences he has had. Well, Peter can't very well tell his story right now, since he is behind bars, so I feel like it, in part, falls to me to do so, and once you have heard it, I feel it will fall to you as well. Below are my thoughts. The first bit is about transgression in general and the nature thereof, while the second is about deviant sexual behavior.  Much of it is in "braindump" mode and thus has little organization. I've edited a little afterward so it makes more sense to you. Since I have written literally all if this on my iPod, it is very probable there are multiple typos and even wrong words (blast you, auto correct). Please forgive my human frailties (a.ka. Bad thumbs on my iPod).

As I sit here waiting to testify at Peter's trial, we are listening to other people's hearings. It is absolutely incredible to see how people's lives are being completely ruined and almost ended by their actions. Talking with Peter today at breakfast, he told me that he's felt like a failure his entire life because of his addiction to porn. Similar to his addiction to porn and that bad behavior, the other people are also addicted to their bad behaviors. As they have made bad choices, they have surrendered their agency to Satan and to the consequences of their actions. Although they are always free to stop their bad behavior, they do not see that option and thus feel they cannot make the choice. Perhaps it is that when we make bad choices our ability to see the way out with our spiritual eyes is limited.

2 Nephi 2:27: Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

So, is our captivity inflicted by God, Satan or is that a consequence inflicted by the eternal laws that govern everything in the universe? Independent of who inflicts that captivity, we are limited to live in the consequences of our actions instead of being free to choose how we live. Perhaps in that scripture, the captivity to which he is referring is not hell itself, after this life, but instead the damming effects of sin and the captivity in which we find ourselves when we choose that path (sin).

And it's interesting, because we all find ourselves in captivity to a certain extent, since we are all human and have sinned. I suppose the greater the law that is violated (and the more severe the violation), the greater the resulting captivity.  Since the law of chastity is God's second most serious commandment, with only the shedding of innocent blood surpassing it in gravity, the resulting captivity is incredibly intense – more so than that which is related to most other sins.

Some people wonder why pornography is so addictive and destructive. Here's a bit of the science behind it, mixed with some Christian doctrine:

When we engage in sexual activity out of wedlock, obviously the Holy Ghost cannot be there because we are acting directly contrary to God's commandments. Satans counterfeit - his attempt to mimic that most sacred experience - is the six dopamine that are released in reaction to sexual transgression. Those are what make sexual behaviors out of wedlock so addictive. In cocaine and heroine use, three or four of those dopamine are released, but in sexual acts out of wedlock (which are not sanctioned by God) all six are are released, making any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage so incredibly much more addictive than the very worst of the drugs out there. And as we use those "substances" (the so-called "drugs" of sexual activity – in any of its forms – out of wedlock), they stop having the same effect as they once did because our psyche becomes accustomed to the "drug."  We then have to seek out stronger and stronger stimuli until we lose total self control and we end up engaging in completely sinister, dark and insidious acts that our minds, in our normal, chaste (or at least what society calls "chaste”) state – cannot comprehend. This is precisely what happened to Peter Jacobsen.

When married couples engage in sexual behavior, because it is not only sanctioned by God, but blessed by Him, instead of the six dopamine being released, God's version instead occurs, which is an experience of two people becoming one with God, as they, with Him, engage in the creative process - that of bringing lives into this world. It is spiritual, supposedly (I've never been married and therefore have never had sex with my ... not-wife) incredible. It is therefore not addictive at all and does not lead to any other behaviors but instead brings the two people closer to God. And it is beautiful and healthy as the two people use that to enrich their relationship not only with each other, but also with their Heavenly Father.

End braindump.

Friends, pornography MUST stop. Society is being torn apart by sexual sin and I would venture to say that the majority of it originates in pornography. Do not let it into your life. The slippery slope is just too great. What happened to Peter could happen to ANY of us. Do not think you are immune to it. YOU'RE NOT. Pornography is a gateway drug that can lead to other drugs like molest, rape, child pornography and any other type of deviant sexual behavior. If it is in your life, do WHATEVER it takes to eradicate it from your being. It is more addictive and destructive than any drug out there and it will destroy your life, through whatever small (or large) presence it has there. Think I'm exaggerating? If you have viewed pornography within the last, say, month, look at your significant other; do you love him or her because of the very person he or she is or because of the physical pleasures he or she can offer you? It's a bit of a wake-up call, isn't it? If the eradication means getting an Internet filter, DO IT. If it means getting one for your husband or boyfriend or father, DO IT.  In most cases of pornography addictions, the subject needs counseling to break their dependence on the monster.  If you think you can break it on your own, more power to you, but you're probably wrong. Sorry. You'll likely relapse.

Pornography pervades more than just video and photos. It finds itself in our language, our jokes, and most importantly, our thoughts. Choose to take the higher road. Do not view films - even some that are PG-13 - that have sexual content or excessive innuendo.  When conversations turn to that subject, change the subject or simply leave. Peter taught us to always take the higher road.  It is so ironic he taught us a higher, better way, when he was in fact in the gall of bitterness and anguish. One of the sadder moments of yesterday and the night before was when he would tell jokes of a sexual nature. There he was, a broken man, trying to piece his life back together, and he was still keeping one foot in the world that had held him captive since he was seven years old. Little wonder that he still had occasional relapses with adult porn, even after his initial arrest in 2009. By him indulging in those jokes and conversations, all he was doing was baiting Satan to come and tempt him once again. And the result was always the same: relapse.

If we are to successfully combat the epidemic that is consuming the world, we must eliminate it completely from our lives. Please, make a personal pledge with me (alongside me, not with me. Make it with God), right now, that you will totally eliminate this from your life. Let us learn from Peter and his experience. Let his experience be a turning point in your life. And may the Lord bless you in your commitment to righteousness and purity. Only in Him, our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ, can we be made whole and perfect. So rely on him and remain ever so close to Him. And even if you aren't a religious person, then do it for your own personal peace of mind and out of respect and love for those around you. Think about the effects pornography has on those who love you and depend on you for love. Think about how pornography affects your ability to see them as dignified people, as opposed to objects after which you lust. Porn will destroy you and it will destroy your family. Don't let it.

If Peter wants his story told, then let's tell his story through the way we live our lives and the commitments we make.

Let's do this.
All my love,
Logan

Here is a link to a speech about pornography, made by a leader in my church. Perhaps you will find it informative or even eye-opening. http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng&query=holland+pornography